Five Minutes Peace

I vividly remember the book 'Five Minutes Peace' from when I was small and loved the idea of reading it to Alice. Since becoming a mum I enjoy it on a whole new level, I sympathise with Mrs Large and I'm sure there were some muttered expletives edited out of the story.

I love my girls to pieces, I really do, but sometimes they really get on my tits.

It's not because I don't love them, it's not because I'm a horrible person, it's not because they are children or who they are individually; it's because having someone needing and wanting you constantly gets very draining when you're surviving on minimal sleep.

Today is a fantastic example of this. The small one and the tiny dictator are in great moods (well not so much the tiny dictator) and we haven't done anything particularly strenuous but it has felt non stop a.l.l...b.l.o.o.d.y...d.a.y.

The small one and the tiny dictator wake up early, one screaming happily and one demanding food. There's the first nappy changes of the day, feeding at the zoo I mean breakfast for them both before I've even gone for a piss.

We are currently on the wonderful journey that is potty training so many of my private toilet visits are no longer private. I am now accompanied by a small person staring at me while she wonders why they hell she's sitting on something resembling a plastic bowl and being applauded for said behaviour. After one such time this morning the small one decided to break free, nappiless into the bedroom with me chasing her muttering 'do not shit, do not shit'.

There is some hilarious playtime after this which involves playing with a tool set and work bench while dancing to Dolly Parton's '9-5'. The downside to this is the living room being covered in useless, plastic screws and bolts.

Then comes another nappy change and the excitement of possibly catching something in the potty. No such luck. Instead, this little gem is saved for when mummy is sat, boob shackled to the tiny dictator while the stink in the living room develops. Then comes the game of 'catch me I've pooped'.

A quiet period follows while Monsters Inc is on, however the small one feels the need to scream excitedly every time Sully comes on the screen and throw herself on the floor. This disturbs the tiny dictator who is doing her best to fight sleep.

We approach the glorious time, nap time!! The small one is willing, excellent!! The tiny dictator's eyes are dropping, amazing! This is what parents dreams are made of!! The dream is short lived however when I just manage to shove a sandwich in my face before the tiny dictator demands nourishment once more...And remains there for almost an hour.

This is followed by me pleading with the tiny dictator to nap so I can maybe close my eyes for 5 minutes.

Fat chance.

The small one is awake.

And now is the time the tiny dictator wishes to rest.

No biggy, only another 8 hoursish until they are both asleep in bed!!

Least Mrs Large had some cake, lucky cow.

New Year 2016/2017

It feels like only 5 minutes ago I was sat at home New Year 2015/2016 wondering what the hell was going on with my life and if it was ever going to get better.

I made a promise to myself that instead of remembering 2015 as a terrible year of loss it would be remembered as the year I put my health first and made changes for the better. I knew one part of this recovery would be me looking in the mirror 9 months pregnant saying 'bring it on birth's and meaning it.

A year later and here I am sat sipping prosecco and cuddling a little baby, my second baby. I faced what was my biggest fear for a long time and overcame it spectacularly.
It's been a year of therapy, medication and support but it has all been worth it.

Sophie's birth was such a positive and liberating experience and it left me feeling healed from the previous trauma of Alice's birth.

I can't say it's a complete 'happily ever after'. I still have tough days with my mood but not feeling ashamed of how I feel has made this experience so much easier to live with me.

It is a wonderful feeling to be going into 2017 hopeful, happy and healthy when just one year ago I couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again.

So goodbye to a year of accomplishments and hello to a year of peace, happiness and sleep deprivation.

Happy new year :)

Boob diaries

Let me start by saying this is not going to be a 'breast is best' type post, it is just my experience so if that sort of thing bores you I suggest you stop reading now.

I stopped breastfeeding Alice after 3 days and went to expressing and formula feeding. The experience was utterly horrendous and I genuinely hated the flood of hormone feeling I got when she fed. The relief and confidence I got from giving her that first bottle was brilliant and she thrived. I had no negative feelings towards breastfeeding, it just wasn't for us. However, all baby's are different so I thought it was worth another try with Sophie.

It was tricky and felt awkward at the start. Without being too crude you have this tiny new baby with this tiny new mouth and these huge brand new pair of boobs and no instructions of how this is exactly supposed to work. I remember one low point in hospital where I hated every single women who ever breastfed because at that time I couldn't do it. I was so frustrated, like there was something I was missing, I was missing the bit that made breastfeeding easy.

I know now that breastfeeding isn't easy. It's something you both have to learn and practice but I didn't realise this at the start as it is described as natural which made me think it would be straightforward and easy...Ha!

The next 4 weeks consisted of syringe feeding, bottle feeding, expressing, formula and the very very occasional successful latch. This time I actually enjoyed feeding Sophie from my breast and wanted to continue if I could. It's been emotional. There have been times where I have felt on a high, like mother earth feeding my offspring with my sacred milk and other times I have sat and sobbed with leaking boobs and a little baby guzzling away on a bottle of formula.

Sophie apparently had a tongue tie which took well over a week to get sorted with no gaurantee it would make the slightest bit of difference. Thankfully it did make a bigger difference then expected. I don't think it was 'the thing' that got breastfeeding to work for us though. I read somewhere that breastfeeding is 10% milk production and 90% determination and for us that was definitely the case.

It took over 4 weeks for me and Sophie to be able to breastfeed and there were plenty of times I was convinced it wouldn't happen, even the day before breastfeeding 'clicked' I was convinced it wasn't going to be for us.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world. Sophie would have been healthy on expressed milk or formula. I don't see formula as the devil, I didn't want Sophie to have my milk because it is superior, I wanted her to have it because my body makes it for her, I love the idea of seeing her get bigger, seeing her get those cute baby rolls knowing my body personally did that.

We are still early on in our breastfeeding journey and today for  the first time I breastfed in public (she didn't give me much choice!) and it was a surprisingly good experience.

Sophie was screaming Costa down, I was a little worried as the only free table was between 2 others and the place was rammed but when baby's gotta eat they've gotta eat! I didn't necessarily expect dirty looks and being asked to leave but I did not expect the warm and human response I got.

The women on the tables next to me helped soothe Sophie while I sorted out a drink and all the other crap you take out with a little baby, they made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed and chatted to me about their experience of raising children. I wasn't given dirty or awkward looks because I was getting a boob out in public, I wasn't put on a pedastal because I was breastfeeding, I was treated with respect and compassion as a mum looking after her little baby.  I was so grateful for their help and support and for making the first public outing for my boobs a positive experience.

So to the women in Costa who helped out a tired, flustered mum and a little baby, thank you.

To my friends, husband, family and professionals who have ridden the highs and lows of this part of my breastfeeding experience so far, thank you.

And to my little Sophie (AKA Twigs AKA the tiny dictator) thank you for deciding that boobs are tasty.

#normalisebreastfeeding