'Allow'

In my opinion, the word 'allow' in maternity services should be banned. I'm hoping this won't sound like a rant but I can live with it if it does!

Anyone who's read anything on this page or who is close to me will know the birth of my daughter was a terrible experience; one part of this was issues with pain relief.

During labour I asked to discuss pain relief and the attitude I got was 'what about it?' as if it was an odd thing to ask given the circumstances. I was genuinely shocked, in my mind you're in hospital, something is painful, you have pain relief, right?
I asked for an epidural and the response was 'we don't do them on the birth centre'. In the politest words I can muster, is that my problem?! I did not choose to birth here, you have decided that I will birth here.
The next response was 'we don't have enough staff' which at the time terrified me because what it meant to me was very different to what it actually meant to the midwifes. What they meant was there are no beds on the delivery suite and that's where you need to be rather then we are so short staffed if there's an emergency you're screwed.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about this part of my labour for a long time. Then I started to feel angry. I know how short staffed the NHS is and that sometimes things just can't be helped, I can still feel angry about it but there was nothing to be done at that time.
The attitude from many midwives towards pain relief in labour however is something in my opinion needs to change. A midwife told me 'you don't look in that much pain' during a contraction. At the time it made me feel weak and embarrassed, like I was less of a woman for not managing birth the way I should. Now? I know that it is her that should feel embarrassed and ashamed for making such a ridiculous horrible comment to a frightened woman in labour.

Society seems to cultivate an attitude that labour is terribly painful (which for some is true, others it isn't) but then when it comes to pain relief there seems to be an opposite attitude that should you need it you are weak or that the pain of childbirth should just be tolerated.

That is so wrong in my opinion. 

I've listened to and read lots of birth stories in the last 2 years, some positive, some negative but a common theme that crops up time and time again is being 'allowed' to have something such as pain relief. It makes me very angry. I think this culture from maternity healthcare professionals disempowers women (and their birth partners) and gets them to believe that the professionals are correct 100% of the time...almost like the baby is there's to do with is they see fit. But mother's and fathers remember that it is the woman that births the baby. Even in the case of a C-section where you might say it is the professional performing the operation, nothing happens without the mothers consent and it is her body.

I've heard lots of women talk about when they were 'allowed' pain relief, usually when a midwife deemed it appropriate. Women have spoken about asking for gas and air and being denied because a midwife has said that they should hold on as essentially labour is going to get worse.

I understand advising women to try all other options before resorting to stronger pain relief for many reasons including effectiveness in later stages of labour and possible increased risk of interventions however, the bottom line is this...

Surely it is a woman's right to have pain relief when she requests it regardless of the opinion of a midwife.

In any other circumstance would you leave a person or an animal in pain? I can't think of any. So why is it expected during labour?

If a woman requests pain relief and continues to feel she needs it why should she not just be given it? If I am missing something here please, please correct me because at the moment it doesn't seem to make sense.

As I write this I am just over 2 weeks away from my due date. I cannot predict the type of birth I have, maybe it will natural, assisted or C-section, I cannot say at this point however, I will be doing everything I can to ensure I have an empowered birth. I have promised myself that this culture of 'allow' will not 'infect' my birth this time. If I wish for pain relief Goddess help the midwife who says I don't need it or comments on the level of pain I am experiencing.

I am the most important person in that room and my needs are a priority as well as the needs of my baby.

At a time where a woman's body is doing something so fantastically amazing and 2 peoples worlds are being changed forever no one should do or say anything to make them feel weak or not good enough.

A letter to my daughter on her birthday

Hello small one,

Today is your 2nd birthday, you are 2 years old! Some of the days have seemed so long but the years have passed by like minutes. 2 years old is still so small yet at the same time it feels like you've always been a part of our life.

We see more of your personality every day. You are so funny and seem to enjoy making people laugh. You are kind and generous (except when it comes to your new cosy coupe). You always offer your food and toys to people that don't have any, even strangers sometimes. You are so clever and creative, you seem to come out with new words all the time and you adore anything that involves paint, stickers, crayons or pens.

You were recently described as 'defiant' by a stranger which at first made me feel a little uneasy and worried. Now however, I am proud of your defiant streak even though it can be very draining sometimes! You are a fiery, ferocious little soul filled to the brim with curiosity and passion. You have a light in you that gives me strength in my weakest moments. You are very aware of what you want and you are not shy letting the world know it.
You are incredibly affectionate you have so much love inside you and it's love that I most want to talk to you about today.

In a couple of months your little sister will be born and all our lives will change. I feel guilty sometimes that you are too little for me to help you to understand exactly what is about to happen and I hope that you know your dad and I still love you more then anything.

Love you will come to learn is infinate. When you were born your dad and I loved you immensely but that love has only grown the more we get to know you. Love continues to grow and multiplies when it is nurtured and cared for.

When your sister is born we will love her immensely too but this does not take away any love we have for you, love isn't shared in that way. The love we have for your sister is completly new and will grow the same way our love for your grows all the time.

I hope one day at least you will love your sister too. I am so excited for her to meet you and to see all the funny mischief you will both bring to me and your dad. Sure, some days I'll probably feel like selling you both on eBay but deep down I wouldn't change it for anything.

Happy birthday beautiful, never stop being able to breathe fire.

xxx

The most natural thing in the world

The breastfeeding in public debate has come up again on social media and normally I don't feel as strongly about it but this time I did (probably the hormones).

The most recent debate started because Christina Torino-Benton breastfed her baby during her wedding and posted photos online to a breastfeeding support group. This is more on the story for anyone interested http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/bride-shares-amazing-photo-of-her-breastfeeding-during-wedding-c/

I've seen the photos and unless I've missed something I wouldn't have even known she was breastfeeding so I'm not quite sure why some people are getting upset by it. Instead what I see is a beautiful, happy bride on her wedding day.

I tried to breastfeed Alice and it was a disaster for a number of reasons, one of them being I just didn't like it. I decided instead to express/pump and top up with formula. And you know what? I actually received quite a bit of criticism from all sides. Some mothers who breastfed thought I should 'just put baby on my breast' and that I was 'cancelling out the goodness of breastmilk' and others that bottle/formula fed thought I should just switch to formula and be done with it. Talk about not being able to do anything right, huh?

It saddens me when I'm with breastfeeding mothers and they ask (sometimes in their own houses) 'do you mind if I breastfeed?' You wouldn't ask me if I was ok with you feeding your baby a yogurt in my presence so you have no need to ask where breastfeeding is concerned. Thank you for the thought but you do what you got to do mama, baby's hungry!

It still amazes me that these debates continue and the assumptions that are made about mothers (and fathers too!)
Many people presumed that I must feel terrible that I didn't or couldn't breastfeed and I did for a while because I felt I was a failure as I wasn't doing what society expected but deep down I know I made the right decision and I can live with that comfortably. On the other hand people sometimes presume I must see breastfeeding mothers as ''elitest'' and 'earth mothers' which makes me laugh even more! Could it be possible I'm happy with my choice and happy for others to make theirs?

This topic was discussed on This Morning where Holly Willoughby defended women's rights to breastfeed in public without having to feel the need to cover up. I really don't understand the covering up thing. I have never seen a woman sitting with full breasts out to feed her baby, all you can see is a babies head and being honest I don't think I notice when women are breastfeeding half the time. So where does the offence come from? I am genuinely intrigued. Women post skimpy selfies and that's ok but breastfeeding is a taboo topic to post on social media? I'm not saying women shouldn't post skimpy selfies I merely wonder why one is more acceptable then the other.

I hear lots of women say how breasts are made to feed babies and are not sexual objects and I understand where they are coming from but being honest for me breasts are capable of being sexual and producing food for babies.

I wonder if this is why some people have an issue with seeing breastfeeding in public, it challenges the notion that breasts are not just sexual (or are sexual at all) and if so I understand where that uncomfortable feeling comes from. However, this gives no one the right to ask women to cover up. The way I see it, if you feel uncomfortable they are YOUR feelings to deal with not that mothers. Mothers have enough crap on their plates without worrying about how you feel about their feeding choice.

What an odd society we live in where we are sometimes almost militant about mothers breastfeeding their babies but then telling them 'oh no not here! Put a pashmina over yourself!' This thing that is so natural, so good, so beautiful that we must never see it in public or on social media? HA!

For mothers who are breastfeeding, forget the haters, their feelings are their problems to manage not yours. You feed your baby, you be happy, that is the most important thing.

For mothers who are expressing, don't listen to anyone who looks down your choice. Maybe you're expressing because feeding direct from 'the source' is too stressful? Or maybe it's important for you and your partner that they feed baby too? Whatever your reason be proud, be happy, these are the most important things.

For mothers who are formula feeding don't you dare let yourself feel inadequate. Youre feeding your baby, you are doing your best, your baby is healthy and loved. Be proud and be happy, these are the most important things.

For ALL mothers, be proud and own your parenting choices. Feeding your baby however you do it is the most natural thing in the world.