Then there were two...

Sophie is now 5 weeks old and what a 5 weeks it has been. 5 weeks is so tiny yet it feels like she's been here 6 months already. We are adjusting to being a family of 4 which still sounds strange to me, a family of how many?!

Alice seems to be adjusting quite well to having a little sister. I think in her world, as long there's chocolate she's a happy girl. She doesn't seem that interested in Sophie most of the time. She will occasionally stroke her head, say she is soft or that she's crying (and is then quick to hand me a dummy!) Or that she's having a nappy change...but that's about it.

Sophie is obviously oblivious to anything that doesn't involve food or sleep. Alice can scream in her face and she doesn't even flinch. My head touches the pillow however and she will cry for England.

So what are the main differences as a mum of two so far?

I have learned you need to lower your expectations of what can be achieved in a day. Some days you have to count being able to shower as a win...even though you couldn't dry your hair and you had a crying baby serenading you throughout. As for make up, I think I can forget about that for now.

That beautiful, elusive thing called sleep. I used to want at least a good 4 hours of straight sleep. Now? I feel glad when I get to close my eyes for 5 minutes especially if the house is quiet at the same time.

Mealtimes have changed a lot. I have a small person who doesn't want to eat anything and when she does want to eat she seems to want to put on the floor first. I have a tiny person who doesn't want to STOP eating which means I spend a good part of my day with a boob out chasing a toddler around with some sort of food while she tells me no and repeatedly asks for yogurts. You would think there is a limit to the amount of yogurt a small person can consume; there isn't.

Some days actually feel easy, everything works out and everyone seems in sync. Then there are other days like today where it feels like utter chaos. The kitchen is full of dishes, the living room floor is covered in brightly coloured crap, there are muslins and bibs all over the place and I am having to watch The Secret Life Of Pets for the third time this week.

Despite the chaos and lack of showering I am happy and generally feel at peace. No matter how bad the worst days have been since Sophie was born they are nothing compared to how I felt after Alice's birth. I think I understand even more now just how much that experience affected my life. I feel sad for my past self but also incredibly grateful that I don't spend my days reliving a traumatic birth and spend my nights feeling panicked but not knowing why. I feel healed and like I can finally enjoy looking to the future which is exactly what I intend to do.

'Allow'

In my opinion, the word 'allow' in maternity services should be banned. I'm hoping this won't sound like a rant but I can live with it if it does!

Anyone who's read anything on this page or who is close to me will know the birth of my daughter was a terrible experience; one part of this was issues with pain relief.

During labour I asked to discuss pain relief and the attitude I got was 'what about it?' as if it was an odd thing to ask given the circumstances. I was genuinely shocked, in my mind you're in hospital, something is painful, you have pain relief, right?
I asked for an epidural and the response was 'we don't do them on the birth centre'. In the politest words I can muster, is that my problem?! I did not choose to birth here, you have decided that I will birth here.
The next response was 'we don't have enough staff' which at the time terrified me because what it meant to me was very different to what it actually meant to the midwifes. What they meant was there are no beds on the delivery suite and that's where you need to be rather then we are so short staffed if there's an emergency you're screwed.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about this part of my labour for a long time. Then I started to feel angry. I know how short staffed the NHS is and that sometimes things just can't be helped, I can still feel angry about it but there was nothing to be done at that time.
The attitude from many midwives towards pain relief in labour however is something in my opinion needs to change. A midwife told me 'you don't look in that much pain' during a contraction. At the time it made me feel weak and embarrassed, like I was less of a woman for not managing birth the way I should. Now? I know that it is her that should feel embarrassed and ashamed for making such a ridiculous horrible comment to a frightened woman in labour.

Society seems to cultivate an attitude that labour is terribly painful (which for some is true, others it isn't) but then when it comes to pain relief there seems to be an opposite attitude that should you need it you are weak or that the pain of childbirth should just be tolerated.

That is so wrong in my opinion. 

I've listened to and read lots of birth stories in the last 2 years, some positive, some negative but a common theme that crops up time and time again is being 'allowed' to have something such as pain relief. It makes me very angry. I think this culture from maternity healthcare professionals disempowers women (and their birth partners) and gets them to believe that the professionals are correct 100% of the time...almost like the baby is there's to do with is they see fit. But mother's and fathers remember that it is the woman that births the baby. Even in the case of a C-section where you might say it is the professional performing the operation, nothing happens without the mothers consent and it is her body.

I've heard lots of women talk about when they were 'allowed' pain relief, usually when a midwife deemed it appropriate. Women have spoken about asking for gas and air and being denied because a midwife has said that they should hold on as essentially labour is going to get worse.

I understand advising women to try all other options before resorting to stronger pain relief for many reasons including effectiveness in later stages of labour and possible increased risk of interventions however, the bottom line is this...

Surely it is a woman's right to have pain relief when she requests it regardless of the opinion of a midwife.

In any other circumstance would you leave a person or an animal in pain? I can't think of any. So why is it expected during labour?

If a woman requests pain relief and continues to feel she needs it why should she not just be given it? If I am missing something here please, please correct me because at the moment it doesn't seem to make sense.

As I write this I am just over 2 weeks away from my due date. I cannot predict the type of birth I have, maybe it will natural, assisted or C-section, I cannot say at this point however, I will be doing everything I can to ensure I have an empowered birth. I have promised myself that this culture of 'allow' will not 'infect' my birth this time. If I wish for pain relief Goddess help the midwife who says I don't need it or comments on the level of pain I am experiencing.

I am the most important person in that room and my needs are a priority as well as the needs of my baby.

At a time where a woman's body is doing something so fantastically amazing and 2 peoples worlds are being changed forever no one should do or say anything to make them feel weak or not good enough.

A letter to my daughter on her birthday

Hello small one,

Today is your 2nd birthday, you are 2 years old! Some of the days have seemed so long but the years have passed by like minutes. 2 years old is still so small yet at the same time it feels like you've always been a part of our life.

We see more of your personality every day. You are so funny and seem to enjoy making people laugh. You are kind and generous (except when it comes to your new cosy coupe). You always offer your food and toys to people that don't have any, even strangers sometimes. You are so clever and creative, you seem to come out with new words all the time and you adore anything that involves paint, stickers, crayons or pens.

You were recently described as 'defiant' by a stranger which at first made me feel a little uneasy and worried. Now however, I am proud of your defiant streak even though it can be very draining sometimes! You are a fiery, ferocious little soul filled to the brim with curiosity and passion. You have a light in you that gives me strength in my weakest moments. You are very aware of what you want and you are not shy letting the world know it.
You are incredibly affectionate you have so much love inside you and it's love that I most want to talk to you about today.

In a couple of months your little sister will be born and all our lives will change. I feel guilty sometimes that you are too little for me to help you to understand exactly what is about to happen and I hope that you know your dad and I still love you more then anything.

Love you will come to learn is infinate. When you were born your dad and I loved you immensely but that love has only grown the more we get to know you. Love continues to grow and multiplies when it is nurtured and cared for.

When your sister is born we will love her immensely too but this does not take away any love we have for you, love isn't shared in that way. The love we have for your sister is completly new and will grow the same way our love for your grows all the time.

I hope one day at least you will love your sister too. I am so excited for her to meet you and to see all the funny mischief you will both bring to me and your dad. Sure, some days I'll probably feel like selling you both on eBay but deep down I wouldn't change it for anything.

Happy birthday beautiful, never stop being able to breathe fire.

xxx