Only when my daughter was 5 months old could I honestly and confidently say that choosing not to
breastfeed was the best decision I could have made. For a long time I let breastfeeding
torment me and make me feel like a failure as a mother. I would tell people
that I ‘couldn’t breastfeed’ or that ‘Alice wasn’t having any of it’ when
perhaps even then deep down I knew this wasn’t entirely true. I could have
continued to try and feed her despite the pain, I could have felt miserable and
anxious and perhaps ruined my marriage but I chose to do something else
instead. I chose to be happy. I have discovered that motherhood is nothing like
you plan, there will be lots of things you want to do or insist you won’t do as
a mother and you will end up hurting yourself because you will break these
promises to yourself. It is inevitable, I didn’t think I placed any
expectations on myself but I did subconsciously. You cannot plan a life for
three people when the third person isn’t here yet to have their say. Motherhood
is hard enough without weighing yourself down with unmet expectations that are
either out of your control or are unmet because of decisions you made yourself.
Those women that love to
breastfeed and feel incredibly bonded with their children are lucky, they share
an intimate relationship with their children as being the sole food provider.
However, just because I am not the sole food provider for my daughter does this
mean I share any less of a bond? Of course not! And when midwifes and other people say that a wonderful bond is created when breastfeeding a child I say I too have a wonderful bond with my child by feeding her with a bottle. What about the beautiful bond my husband has with his daughter because he feeds
her with a bottle? I say that argument is invalid. I do not dismiss how
wonderful breastfeeding can be, I am merely saying it was not for me or my
family and I should not and will not be made to feel I have failed in some way
or like I could have done better because of this.
Motherhood is something you learn on the job so your
opinions and ‘methods’ are always changing, always evolving. It took me around
5 months to feel confident about my decision to not breastfeed and although I
liked to think at the time that I was ‘pro mum’ and against all the stigma
against feeding on reflection some of my views could have been considered ‘anti
breastfeeding’ which was not my intention at all.
I would talk about how difficult it is for mums who bottle
feed be it formula or expressed breast milk. It never occurred to me that it might be just as difficult for mums who
breastfeed. Who is to say that that breast feeding mum staring at you bottle
feeding your baby isn’t thinking ‘bloody hell that looks more comfortable than
this, bet she doesn’t have sore nips’ or ‘is anyone going to judge me if I
breast feed here?’ I’m sure mums who breastfeed have to justify the choices they've made to strangers, family and friends sometimes.
With the breastfeeding Vs formula feeding ‘debate’ images
are conjured up of ‘breast feeding bullies’ and a ‘formula feeding resistance’
and although I am embarrassed to admit it I think this is how I saw it too (for
a while at least).
The truth is there are no bullies or resistance, we are all
just mums and dads trying to make the right choices for our families and what
is right differs from person to person. It is wholly unhelpful to take sides in
this ‘debate’. Instead we should be encouraging and supporting one and another
to make the right choices for us and our babies or to stand by the decisions we've made.
Happy mummy is a happy baby; happy baby is a happy mummy. It
should be that simple but it isn't. If you are someone who is desperate to
breastfeed but you can’t for whatever reason and you talk to a mum who stopped
because they don’t want to do night feeds it can be hard to not feel like
ripping her face off or feel that she is selfish and lazy because you would kill to find it as easy as her. We cannot
always control how we feel but judging someone is not going to change what you
do in terms of feeding your baby. Judging someone is not going make breastfeeding
easier for you. Judging a formula feeding mum as lazy isn't going to make her
breastfeed or make your child healthier because they are having breast milk.
9 months after my little girl was born and I can say without
guilt that I chose to bottle feed. I chose to give both formula and breast milk
and whilst I felt so proud when I could give my daughter my milk I did not feel
worried when I gave her formula. Both me and my husband wanted him to be able
to feed her and I know it helped him greatly with bonding with her. This is
what was right for our family and I am pleased with our decision.
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| Alice less then 2 weeks old. Me looking about 100! That's mum glamour, |
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