New Year 2015/2016

That time again, new year! Usually I'm not bothered at all, new year is a change of date for me and I'm not too interested in celebrating it. This year however feels a bit different. This year I feel a bit bitter, a bit bah humbug about it all. 

Already I've read a tonne of Facebook status' saying happy new year, what peoples resolutions are and what a great year 2015 was. I'm left feeling a bit sad and a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing. 2015 should have been a great year...I've got my lovely husband, my wonderful daughter, a good job and we bought our first home! But it wasn't a good year. It's been the hardest of my life. 

2015 could be remembered as the year I lost myself (hopefully temporarily!) to post natal PTSD and depression. A year where everything felt difficult, overwhelming or even worse empty at times. A year of confusion, guilt and fear at times. 

2015 won't be remembered in that way though. Instead 2015 will be remembered as the year I was brave enough to be honest about how I feel and to ask for help. The year I decided that this is not what I want for myself or my family and I refuse to accept this as 'normal' anymore. The year I instigated change for the better. 

2016 for most people is about new things, new challenges and more positive habits. 2016 for me will be about recovering what was lost and forgotten and breathing new life into this. It will be a year without shame or fear for how I feel. It will be a year where I treat my health needs as a top priority instead of putting my head in the sand hoping it will all just be ok. 

I don't know when or if I'll ever feel fully 'recovered', this is a road I have never travelled and I don't know what's up ahead. I know what part of my recovery looks like though. Recovery is me looking in the mirror, 9 months pregnant confidently saying 'bring it on birth'.

And meaning it. 

Happy New Year everyone.