The most natural thing in the world

The breastfeeding in public debate has come up again on social media and normally I don't feel as strongly about it but this time I did (probably the hormones).

The most recent debate started because Christina Torino-Benton breastfed her baby during her wedding and posted photos online to a breastfeeding support group. This is more on the story for anyone interested http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/bride-shares-amazing-photo-of-her-breastfeeding-during-wedding-c/

I've seen the photos and unless I've missed something I wouldn't have even known she was breastfeeding so I'm not quite sure why some people are getting upset by it. Instead what I see is a beautiful, happy bride on her wedding day.

I tried to breastfeed Alice and it was a disaster for a number of reasons, one of them being I just didn't like it. I decided instead to express/pump and top up with formula. And you know what? I actually received quite a bit of criticism from all sides. Some mothers who breastfed thought I should 'just put baby on my breast' and that I was 'cancelling out the goodness of breastmilk' and others that bottle/formula fed thought I should just switch to formula and be done with it. Talk about not being able to do anything right, huh?

It saddens me when I'm with breastfeeding mothers and they ask (sometimes in their own houses) 'do you mind if I breastfeed?' You wouldn't ask me if I was ok with you feeding your baby a yogurt in my presence so you have no need to ask where breastfeeding is concerned. Thank you for the thought but you do what you got to do mama, baby's hungry!

It still amazes me that these debates continue and the assumptions that are made about mothers (and fathers too!)
Many people presumed that I must feel terrible that I didn't or couldn't breastfeed and I did for a while because I felt I was a failure as I wasn't doing what society expected but deep down I know I made the right decision and I can live with that comfortably. On the other hand people sometimes presume I must see breastfeeding mothers as ''elitest'' and 'earth mothers' which makes me laugh even more! Could it be possible I'm happy with my choice and happy for others to make theirs?

This topic was discussed on This Morning where Holly Willoughby defended women's rights to breastfeed in public without having to feel the need to cover up. I really don't understand the covering up thing. I have never seen a woman sitting with full breasts out to feed her baby, all you can see is a babies head and being honest I don't think I notice when women are breastfeeding half the time. So where does the offence come from? I am genuinely intrigued. Women post skimpy selfies and that's ok but breastfeeding is a taboo topic to post on social media? I'm not saying women shouldn't post skimpy selfies I merely wonder why one is more acceptable then the other.

I hear lots of women say how breasts are made to feed babies and are not sexual objects and I understand where they are coming from but being honest for me breasts are capable of being sexual and producing food for babies.

I wonder if this is why some people have an issue with seeing breastfeeding in public, it challenges the notion that breasts are not just sexual (or are sexual at all) and if so I understand where that uncomfortable feeling comes from. However, this gives no one the right to ask women to cover up. The way I see it, if you feel uncomfortable they are YOUR feelings to deal with not that mothers. Mothers have enough crap on their plates without worrying about how you feel about their feeding choice.

What an odd society we live in where we are sometimes almost militant about mothers breastfeeding their babies but then telling them 'oh no not here! Put a pashmina over yourself!' This thing that is so natural, so good, so beautiful that we must never see it in public or on social media? HA!

For mothers who are breastfeeding, forget the haters, their feelings are their problems to manage not yours. You feed your baby, you be happy, that is the most important thing.

For mothers who are expressing, don't listen to anyone who looks down your choice. Maybe you're expressing because feeding direct from 'the source' is too stressful? Or maybe it's important for you and your partner that they feed baby too? Whatever your reason be proud, be happy, these are the most important things.

For mothers who are formula feeding don't you dare let yourself feel inadequate. Youre feeding your baby, you are doing your best, your baby is healthy and loved. Be proud and be happy, these are the most important things.

For ALL mothers, be proud and own your parenting choices. Feeding your baby however you do it is the most natural thing in the world.

The second first trimester

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant, half way through but still with miles to go.

I remember the first trimester with Alice pretty well. There was so much uncertainty in the beginning with a molar pregnancy misdiagnosis but other then that it was pretty smooth sailing...not that I thought that at the time!

I know they say every pregnancy is different but JEEZ!! I naively thought that because my body had done this once it might...ease in to it better somehow...? And in the belly growing department it certainly did but for the most part it felt like my body was whining like 'pregnant?! Not this again!'

I wrote a post about growing a bump in my first pregnancy and how every day was filled with impatience and frustration that a bump hadn't popped out and that my pregnancy wasn't obvious for all to see. This time? I was wearing the biggest cardigans I could find to cover up my expanding belly and chest until it is 'safe' to announce it. Every day I was doing the mental equivelant of poking my belly back in. I felt like my stomach muscles went 'psshht you're on your own love' and let go of what little hold they had.

I remember looking at my belly at 12 weeks thinking where the hell did that come from?! Whereas with Alice it was the opposite, I was upset that I wasn't expanding fast enough!

I look back on the days during Alice's pregnancy were I felt 'ill' and laugh. I had a few weeks where I would feel queasy if I didn't eat and there was a brief time I had to eat crackers before getting out bed but that was about it.
This time was horrendous.
There were days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't go to work because I was so sick. I completly went off food which felt quite cruel because I love food ha! There were frequent emergency trips to the toilet to throw up and it was so unpredictable! I could be fine all day and then that one mouthful of food would finish me off.

I remember one of the worst days where I couldn't even keep crackers down Alice had beans on toast for lunch. As with most toddlers some of this went on the floor..I managed to scoop this up with kitchen roll and put it on the side before having to rush to be sick. When I came back downstairs Alice was sat on the floor with the now empty kitchen roll grinning having eaten the floor beans.

When I was pregnant with Alice I couldn't wait to get into maternity clothes. This time? I still have a strops some mornings because I can't wear normal clothes. I remember looking down at those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test and after the initial excitement thinking 'this is the skinniest I'm going to be for a long while'.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my pregnancy because I am very lucky  and happy to be pregnant; I think it's just been a bit of a surprise. With all the issues before getting pregnant with Alice, all the wanting and not thinking it was going to happen I felt desperate to embrace every part of pregnancy. This time I expected a similar problem but nope! Pregnant straight away! It actually took quite a while for the shock to subside and the real excitement to kick in. I remember feeling quite guilty the day I did the test and picked Alice up from the childminders but I'm not sure why. It felt a little like I was doing something cruel to her, maybe she would think I didn't love her anymore? I even thought maybe I was a horrible person and should just be happy with one child instead of being greedy and wanting two! In the end I think this was maybe part of the shock because it didn't last long and now I'm so excited (and terrified) of having two children.

Overall my experience of the second first trimester has taught me the following...

Every pregnancy really is different, it's not just bull people say.

Being pregnant with baby 2 makes you excited (and terrified) for a whole host of different reasons.

You can be a glower with one pregnancy and be a grower with the next. Me? This time I am most definitely a grower.  

Maternal mental health matters

16 weeks (well nearly 17 weeks) pregnant and I find myself wondering about something my midwife said at my last appointment. 'Maternal mental health is one of our targets!' followed by a giggle.

Maternal mental health is one of our targets.

I find myself thinking...really? And what are you doing to meet these targets? During my appointment I openly said my mental health was not as good as it good have been. I didn't expect a flurry of interventions but I expected acceptance and for this to be monitored....yet nothing was recorded and no advice was given.

Some paperwork has been filled in and referals have been made but I can't help but feel maternal mental health is passed around by professionals and no one really knows who's responsibility it is. The result? In my experience anyway the woman ends up feeling no more supported then she did in the first place.

I don't want to be a tick box on your piece of paper. I don't want to be a target you can meet by passing me on to someone else.

I want to be a human listened to and accepted. I want to know that if the shit hits the fan you've got my back but I don't.

As wonderful as it is and as grateful as I am that I feel my baby is 100% cared for I can't help but wonder why it seems to be so difficult to do the same for me? I am confident if I had a physical problem I would be treated or monitored straight away...but then mental health is different isn't it?

It's almost invisible and therefore difficult to monitor I suppose. It's subjective, there are no machines to gauge how someone's feeling in the way that blood pressure can be measured.

If I could ask one thing (or maybe two) of midwives it would be this.

Talk to your clients and listen to what they say. No one expects you to work miracles but you have no idea of the power of talking to someone and letting them talk knowing they will be listened to. Trust me on this it's how I make a living.

Maternal mental health DOES matter. I can't help but feel there is something missing in terms of education. Don't get me wrong like every profession there are people who are passionate about different things and I've met midwives passionate about mental health...but on the whole it feels like midwives have been given these targets but not the knowledge as to why they need to meet it. This seems really unfair somehow.

When I had my 6 week check after having Alice I informed my GP that I wasn't feeling myself and that I wanted support. His response? Talk to your health visitor. I spoke to my health visitor, their response? Speak to your GP.

At the time I left it. My mistake. Things got worse and we know how that ended.

This will not be the case this time.

This time I will ensure that my health is as much of a priority as my baby's....I'm not quite sure how yet but I'm working on it.

My baby deserves a happy mama and I deserve to be a happy mama.

There have been lots of times recently where I've questioned why I thought it was fair to get pregnant again and put my husband and another tiny being through this crap...it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. I'm sure there are other people who secretly think how can she get pregnant again if everything she says about the last 20 months is true? And that's ok, people can think what they wish.

I wanted to be a mum again, I think deep down I knew I did from when Alice was a few weeks old and if everything had been 'ok' for lack of a better word there would be nothing unusual about this situation.

It comes down to this...I would rather face this fear now then grieve for the baby I could have had for the rest of my life.
 This was my choice and others in my situation make different choices. I stand by my choice and my desire for this baby is stronger then my fear. The road is rocky at the moment but that doesn't mean I want this new life any less.