Yours sincerely, the Mum in you

 Nine months into my new job as mum and I still feel as if the mum part of me and the woman  part of me are separate people. There used to be little communication between them which made life a little difficult at times. Now they write letters because, well why not?

Dear my angry, anxious Self,

I know I am the last person you want to listen to right now but I am also the only person who can honestly say ‘I know how you feel’.

I know how angry, anxious, disappointed and mortified you feel about the things that you’ve just said.

I know how much you want to just run and escape how much you would love to dig a giant hole and hide in it.

I know how hard you find it to look at Alice right now.

I know how forever this feeling is right now and how difficult it is to accept Husband’s support, heck it’s almost impossible! I know how impervious you are trying to be.

I know you don’t believe Husband when he says you’re not always like this. I know every negative thought going through that head of yours and all the negative answers you are armed ready to fire at anything nice anyone says to right now.

You can ignore all that, but you can’t ignore me.

Being a mum is the hardest job and 99% of the time you do it so well, effortlessly even...but that 1% where you lose it you feel is worth damning everything good about yourself.

It really isn’t.

You feel like a good mum and wife again I promise. You must ‘change back’ because if you didn’t I couldn’t be talking to you right now.

Cut yourself some slack!

Take the opportunity to sleep, read a book, go and scream in another room if you need to. If you need to cry then fine, just don’t emotionally hurt yourself for the sake of a few minutes of twatish behaviour.

Watch those Youtube videos to remind you of how good it feels to be a mum. Put on the songs that always make you happy. You won’t want to because you think you deserve to wallow a bit longer but who does that help?

No one! Not even you.

Remind yourself of the days before Alice and how something was missing.

You know how terrible it is to feel empty. Don’t beat yourself up because every now and again you are overflowing.

Last thing I want you to do, go and give your husband and little girl a hug because they love you regardless and as long as you have that nothing else really matters.

Yours sincerely,

The Mum in you

Breastfeeding bullies Vs Formula feeding resitance

 *NB* I know the topic of feeding can be a sensitive one. My intention is not to offend or to argue for a particular 'side' but to put forward my opinion and experience with this subject. 

Only when my daughter was 5 months old could I honestly and confidently say that choosing not to breastfeed was the best decision I could have made. For a long time I let  breastfeeding torment me and make me feel like a failure as a mother. I would tell people that I ‘couldn’t breastfeed’ or that ‘Alice wasn’t having any of it’ when perhaps even then deep down I knew this wasn’t entirely true. I could have continued to try and feed her despite the pain, I could have felt miserable and anxious and perhaps ruined my marriage but I chose to do something else instead. I chose to be happy. I have discovered that motherhood is nothing like you plan, there will be lots of things you want to do or insist you won’t do as a mother and you will end up hurting yourself because you will break these promises to yourself. It is inevitable, I didn’t think I placed any expectations on myself but I did subconsciously. You cannot plan a life for three people when the third person isn’t here yet to have their say. Motherhood is hard enough without weighing yourself down with unmet expectations that are either out of your control or are unmet because of decisions you made yourself.

Those women that love to breastfeed and feel incredibly bonded with their children are lucky, they share an intimate relationship with their children as being the sole food provider. However, just because I am not the sole food provider for my daughter does this mean I share any less of a bond? Of course not! And when midwifes and other people say that a wonderful bond is created when breastfeeding a child I say I too have a wonderful bond with my child by feeding her with a bottle. What about the beautiful bond my husband has with his daughter because he feeds her with a bottle? I say that argument is invalid. I do not dismiss how wonderful breastfeeding can be, I am merely saying it was not for me or my family and I should not and will not be made to feel I have failed in some way or like I could have done better because of this. 

 Motherhood is something you learn on the job so your opinions and ‘methods’ are always changing, always evolving. It took me around 5 months to feel confident about my decision to not breastfeed and although I liked to think at the time that I was ‘pro mum’ and against all the stigma against feeding on reflection some of my views could have been considered ‘anti breastfeeding’ which was not my intention at all.

I would talk about how difficult it is for mums who bottle feed be it formula or expressed breast milk. It never occurred to me that it might be just as difficult for mums who breastfeed. Who is to say that that breast feeding mum staring at you bottle feeding your baby isn’t thinking ‘bloody hell that looks more comfortable than this, bet she doesn’t have sore nips’ or ‘is anyone going to judge me if I breast feed here?’ I’m sure mums who breastfeed have to justify the choices they've made to strangers, family and friends sometimes.

With the breastfeeding Vs formula feeding ‘debate’ images are conjured up of ‘breast feeding bullies’ and a ‘formula feeding resistance’ and although I am embarrassed to admit it I think this is how I saw it too (for a while at least).

The truth is there are no bullies or resistance, we are all just mums and dads trying to make the right choices for our families and what is right differs from person to person. It is wholly unhelpful to take sides in this ‘debate’. Instead we should be encouraging and supporting one and another to make the right choices for us and our babies or to stand by the decisions we've made.

Happy mummy is a happy baby; happy baby is a happy mummy. It should be that simple but it isn't. If you are someone who is desperate to breastfeed but you can’t for whatever reason and you talk to a mum who stopped because they don’t want to do night feeds it can be hard to not feel like ripping her face off or feel that she is selfish and lazy because you would kill to find it as easy as her. We cannot always control how we feel but judging someone is not going to change what you do in terms of feeding your baby. Judging someone is not going make breastfeeding easier for you. Judging a formula feeding mum as lazy isn't going to make her breastfeed or make your child healthier because they are having breast milk.

9 months after my little girl was born and I can say without guilt that I chose to bottle feed. I chose to give both formula and breast milk and whilst I felt so proud when I could give my daughter my milk I did not feel worried when I gave her formula. Both me and my husband wanted him to be able to feed her and I know it helped him greatly with bonding with her. This is what was right for our family and I am pleased with our decision.

Alice less then 2 weeks old. Me looking about 100! That's mum glamour,

Vacancies: Mother wanted, if interested please apply within

I often wonder (as I'm sure many parents do) if I would get the job if there was an interview for motherhood...then I wondered what the add for that job would look like...cue me writing this instead of washing up.

If you are looking for the job of a lifetime this is the one for you! Because once you’ve signed up there is no signing off. Like, ever.

The hours are long, well never ending in fact. There isn’t much wiggle room for breaks unless your colleagues (AKA family and baby daddy) are able.

You will be expected to work a 24 hour day, 7 days a week. There is no annual leave and no sick pay. In fact when you are ill you will still be expected to drag your cootie filled ass into work.

There’s no uniform although employees are expected to wear some sort of mess at all times. Baby food, formula and spit are the most common but we will accept pee and poop if necessary.

Ideally all employees will be fluent in baby babble and are able to eat, pee, poop and shower in record time in order to preserve their level of productivity with their little one.

Your work station must be cluttered with bright plastic monstrosities at all times and these must all be covered with spit or food.

We provide ample training in nursery rhymes and songs for all occasions, this includes the ‘wing it’ it technique enabling you to continue with the song despite having no fucking clue what the actual words are. Other training we provide is in the ‘ants in your pants’ training. You will learn how to be constantly moving even when you think you are standing still when speaking with other adults. You will learn swaying, bouncing and how to ‘zoom to the moon’. Zombie training is mandatory where we will teach you that you never really knew what tired was before joining our team.

From day one in our employment you will be equipped with awesome bat like hearing.*

*NB: this bat like hearing is only for your child and once activated can never be turned off, even when you’re trying to take a sneaky bath on company time.  

Our company offers lots of perks as payment for the above duties.

You will make someone laugh just because you made a fart noise. In fact you will them laugh so hard they can’t actually breathe.

Your touch will instantly be able to soothe someone no matter how upset they are.

You will be greeted by a thousand smiles every day.

Our training will teach you that you are stronger then you ever thought you could be and that strength is not always a choice but is a necessity.  

You will have the honour of watching someone grow every day into the amazing person they are. We promise that every day will be exciting and different as each little one is an individual. 

          You will be filled with a never ending supply of love that will continue for the rest of your life.
           
           From your first day with us you will forever be known as ‘mum’.

20 weeks pregnant

Alice is born! Sep 2014