New Year 2016/2017

It feels like only 5 minutes ago I was sat at home New Year 2015/2016 wondering what the hell was going on with my life and if it was ever going to get better.

I made a promise to myself that instead of remembering 2015 as a terrible year of loss it would be remembered as the year I put my health first and made changes for the better. I knew one part of this recovery would be me looking in the mirror 9 months pregnant saying 'bring it on birth's and meaning it.

A year later and here I am sat sipping prosecco and cuddling a little baby, my second baby. I faced what was my biggest fear for a long time and overcame it spectacularly.
It's been a year of therapy, medication and support but it has all been worth it.

Sophie's birth was such a positive and liberating experience and it left me feeling healed from the previous trauma of Alice's birth.

I can't say it's a complete 'happily ever after'. I still have tough days with my mood but not feeling ashamed of how I feel has made this experience so much easier to live with me.

It is a wonderful feeling to be going into 2017 hopeful, happy and healthy when just one year ago I couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again.

So goodbye to a year of accomplishments and hello to a year of peace, happiness and sleep deprivation.

Happy new year :)

Boob diaries

Let me start by saying this is not going to be a 'breast is best' type post, it is just my experience so if that sort of thing bores you I suggest you stop reading now.

I stopped breastfeeding Alice after 3 days and went to expressing and formula feeding. The experience was utterly horrendous and I genuinely hated the flood of hormone feeling I got when she fed. The relief and confidence I got from giving her that first bottle was brilliant and she thrived. I had no negative feelings towards breastfeeding, it just wasn't for us. However, all baby's are different so I thought it was worth another try with Sophie.

It was tricky and felt awkward at the start. Without being too crude you have this tiny new baby with this tiny new mouth and these huge brand new pair of boobs and no instructions of how this is exactly supposed to work. I remember one low point in hospital where I hated every single women who ever breastfed because at that time I couldn't do it. I was so frustrated, like there was something I was missing, I was missing the bit that made breastfeeding easy.

I know now that breastfeeding isn't easy. It's something you both have to learn and practice but I didn't realise this at the start as it is described as natural which made me think it would be straightforward and easy...Ha!

The next 4 weeks consisted of syringe feeding, bottle feeding, expressing, formula and the very very occasional successful latch. This time I actually enjoyed feeding Sophie from my breast and wanted to continue if I could. It's been emotional. There have been times where I have felt on a high, like mother earth feeding my offspring with my sacred milk and other times I have sat and sobbed with leaking boobs and a little baby guzzling away on a bottle of formula.

Sophie apparently had a tongue tie which took well over a week to get sorted with no gaurantee it would make the slightest bit of difference. Thankfully it did make a bigger difference then expected. I don't think it was 'the thing' that got breastfeeding to work for us though. I read somewhere that breastfeeding is 10% milk production and 90% determination and for us that was definitely the case.

It took over 4 weeks for me and Sophie to be able to breastfeed and there were plenty of times I was convinced it wouldn't happen, even the day before breastfeeding 'clicked' I was convinced it wasn't going to be for us.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world. Sophie would have been healthy on expressed milk or formula. I don't see formula as the devil, I didn't want Sophie to have my milk because it is superior, I wanted her to have it because my body makes it for her, I love the idea of seeing her get bigger, seeing her get those cute baby rolls knowing my body personally did that.

We are still early on in our breastfeeding journey and today for  the first time I breastfed in public (she didn't give me much choice!) and it was a surprisingly good experience.

Sophie was screaming Costa down, I was a little worried as the only free table was between 2 others and the place was rammed but when baby's gotta eat they've gotta eat! I didn't necessarily expect dirty looks and being asked to leave but I did not expect the warm and human response I got.

The women on the tables next to me helped soothe Sophie while I sorted out a drink and all the other crap you take out with a little baby, they made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed and chatted to me about their experience of raising children. I wasn't given dirty or awkward looks because I was getting a boob out in public, I wasn't put on a pedastal because I was breastfeeding, I was treated with respect and compassion as a mum looking after her little baby.  I was so grateful for their help and support and for making the first public outing for my boobs a positive experience.

So to the women in Costa who helped out a tired, flustered mum and a little baby, thank you.

To my friends, husband, family and professionals who have ridden the highs and lows of this part of my breastfeeding experience so far, thank you.

And to my little Sophie (AKA Twigs AKA the tiny dictator) thank you for deciding that boobs are tasty.

#normalisebreastfeeding

Then there were two...

Sophie is now 5 weeks old and what a 5 weeks it has been. 5 weeks is so tiny yet it feels like she's been here 6 months already. We are adjusting to being a family of 4 which still sounds strange to me, a family of how many?!

Alice seems to be adjusting quite well to having a little sister. I think in her world, as long there's chocolate she's a happy girl. She doesn't seem that interested in Sophie most of the time. She will occasionally stroke her head, say she is soft or that she's crying (and is then quick to hand me a dummy!) Or that she's having a nappy change...but that's about it.

Sophie is obviously oblivious to anything that doesn't involve food or sleep. Alice can scream in her face and she doesn't even flinch. My head touches the pillow however and she will cry for England.

So what are the main differences as a mum of two so far?

I have learned you need to lower your expectations of what can be achieved in a day. Some days you have to count being able to shower as a win...even though you couldn't dry your hair and you had a crying baby serenading you throughout. As for make up, I think I can forget about that for now.

That beautiful, elusive thing called sleep. I used to want at least a good 4 hours of straight sleep. Now? I feel glad when I get to close my eyes for 5 minutes especially if the house is quiet at the same time.

Mealtimes have changed a lot. I have a small person who doesn't want to eat anything and when she does want to eat she seems to want to put on the floor first. I have a tiny person who doesn't want to STOP eating which means I spend a good part of my day with a boob out chasing a toddler around with some sort of food while she tells me no and repeatedly asks for yogurts. You would think there is a limit to the amount of yogurt a small person can consume; there isn't.

Some days actually feel easy, everything works out and everyone seems in sync. Then there are other days like today where it feels like utter chaos. The kitchen is full of dishes, the living room floor is covered in brightly coloured crap, there are muslins and bibs all over the place and I am having to watch The Secret Life Of Pets for the third time this week.

Despite the chaos and lack of showering I am happy and generally feel at peace. No matter how bad the worst days have been since Sophie was born they are nothing compared to how I felt after Alice's birth. I think I understand even more now just how much that experience affected my life. I feel sad for my past self but also incredibly grateful that I don't spend my days reliving a traumatic birth and spend my nights feeling panicked but not knowing why. I feel healed and like I can finally enjoy looking to the future which is exactly what I intend to do.