Achievement unlocked: Growing a bump

I was reading through some old stuff I wrote aggges ago and came across this. Enjoy, cringe it's up to you :)

The first trimester for me (and like most women probably) was mainly spent sleeping or trying not to throw up in front of people...especially at work, especially the patients. The first trimester for me felt very surreal as they were moments where I could forget I was pregnant or I had to consciously think about being pregnant because there wasn't anything to see.

The bloating was awful, by 13 weeks I couldn't fit into any trousers or jeans without a hideous tyre sitting on top. Husband and I were due to go into town to do some shopping one weekend and I could not find anything that that would fit my bottom half. I ended up having a strop and wearing a T-shirt and leggings. It was not glamorous at all and I felt ridiculous.

Maternity clothes are a little like Marmite I think; some women hate the idea of them and fight against them as long as they can and other women (myself included) embrace them as a badge that says ‘I’M GROWING A HUMAN!!!’ I adored my maternity clothes particularly the trousers, it was a sad day when I had to go back to zips and buttons.

I couldn't wait for the day I would have a bump and I could show it off.

I got so frustrated that it took so long or felt like it took so long to grow a bump! I would look in the mirror and think well where the hell is it?! I got very fed up of people telling me I didn't have a ‘real’ bump. I look back now at photos of me cooing over my 16 week bump and think ha! You've got no idea what’s coming!! But then I guess that’s the beauty of hindsight.

Your bump is your ‘evidence’ that you’re pregnant; it’s the only evidence until the bladder boxing begins.

The downside to a bump is people seem to take it as a sign that they can now touch you and rub your belly as if you are Buddha. I had a colleague at work do this from 13 weeks to the point that I used to try and waddle at speed away from her whenever I saw her in the corridor. People also see your bump as an invitation to comment on your size. At no other time in a woman’s life would you do this, it’s almost like people expect you to enjoy this discussion. In my experience you cannot win when commenting on the size of a woman’s bump. If you say she doesn't have one she will probably be disappointed because as I said before a bump is a sign you are pregnant and are ‘upgrading’ to motherhood. If you say how massive her bump is and she’s only 20 weeks you are probably going to offend the shit out of her and that’s not good either. There isn't a right answer but there are plenty of wrong ones such as...

‘You look huge! You’ll never make your due date’.

‘You don’t look like you’ve got a bump, you just look like you’ve had a big meal’.

‘Are you sure it’s not twins?!’

And my personal favourite....drum roll please...

The person looks at you all smiley and says..

‘You can’t have much longer left, how many weeks are you?’ 

and you reply..

'30 weeks, I’ve got 10 weeks left’. 

Then they look at you a little bit horrified....like the bit in a horror film where the main protagonist realises who the killer has been all along.

I lost count of all the times this happened to me. 

Once I gained a bump of epic proportions I forgot a time when I didn't know what it was like to live without it. The first time I went to the toilet after coming home from hospital I went upstairst and it felt so good to walk up the stairs instead of dragging myself along the banister grunting and stopping at the top to catch my breath.

Having a bump was beautiful, kind of disturbing, irritating and amusing. Seeing my bump grow knowing my little one is growing and getting closer to being born is beautiful, incredible, exciting and fascinating. Seeing my baby make my stomach move from the outside however is definitely like something out of Alien, like any minute that little bugger is going to burst out screeching and zip into one of the kitchen cupboards. It is irritating because overtime I become the slow person everyone races to get to the escalator because no one wants to be stuck behind your slow ass. Last but not least it is amusing because sometimes your size creeps up on you. I remember laying flat in bed and then trying to sit up and having a brief panic when I realised I couldn't. I was only about 28 weeks at the time and it was quite scary. The amount of times I misjudged my size and ended up bumping into things was ridiculous. 

A bump of E.P.I.C proportions, 39 weeks!!

A lot of women say they miss being pregnant and miss their bump, I don't think I do. Sometimes I miss the fact that for 9 months it was just me and Alice, we had a relationship that no one else will ever understand or experience. Even if I get pregnant again it won't be the same as being pregnant with Alice because every baby and pregnancy is different; it truly was a once in a lifetime experience. 

Something that surprised me about having a bump is how it changed my attitude towards my body. I didn't realise how focused I was before on how this bit needs to be thinner, or that bit needs to be more toned. When I was about 33 weeks pregnant I looked back at photos of me at 11 weeks pregnant and I thought jeez I look slim! Even though at the time I remember feeling huge. I'm not worried any more about how my body looks, yes I want to be a healthy weight and I really should exercise more to try and be healthier but I like my shape now, wobbles and marks and all. 

38 weeks pregnant, just me and Alice

An unexpected bath

Every mum has one of these stories, more then one probably.

The poo story.

Before becoming a mum I read lots of things and was told several times that poop will become a normal topic of conversation. I thought that in itself was a load of poop. I was wrong.

Yesterday morning Alice had a poop of epic proportions and decides to stomp in it and rub it all over her legs! 

Why didn't you hold her legs?! I hear you ask.

I did.

She's stomping and kicking whilst I'm half saying half shouting in my best mummy voice 'stop stop stop!' 

Did she stop? Not a chance. Instead she laughs. LAUGHS! It was a full on belly giggle at my poo pain.

Mid clean up (which wasn't successful at all if in being honest) the kicking begins again but this time poop is all over the changer, on the vest, on her belly (how is this possible?!) and all over my arms. 

'That's it! Bath time!!' 

And of course Alice was the most patient she's ever been waiting for a bath. No kicking or poop flinging. Typical.

There were a few moments where I was fuming and felt instantly guilty. But that laugh...it was brilliant. How could anyone be angry looking at that cheeky face?

Good job she's cute! 

Who stole my umbrella?!

Lately I've been feeling pretty damn awful. Lonely, angry, sad. 

I've felt and thought things that have made me feel ashamed and sometimes scared. 

I don't know if I'm happy.

I know I should be, I have everything I've ever wanted but I don't feel the way I think I should or that I would like to. 

I feel completely alienated from everyone, I even feel like an alien in my own body. I feel so so lonely, I am alone in this experience. I'm sure there are lots of women who feel like this around the world but our experiences will all vary. I don't feel I have met one person who can say 'I know what you're going through and it will get better'. 

Other mums tell me it's hard, they feel the same, everyone goes through this etc and I think 'are you serious?!' How the hell do you manage this shit on a daily basis and then decide to do it again with another kid?! 

I look at Alice and I love her to pieces, I know I do...but when she cries or is upset instead of wanting to go to her all I think is 'please god no I can't do this'. 

I cannot shake this feeling that this shouldn't have happened to me. I don't mean that in a 'wish I could have old before baby life back' but in a 'someone made a terrible mistake making me a mum' way.

I cannot shake the feeling that there is something not quite right inside me that means I shouldn't be a mum, some piece is missing or doesn't fit right. This doesn't feel like normal mummy guilt, I've had that. This is an overwhelming, suffocating feeling. It's not about my ability to do mum things because I think I can do them, it's more about something inherent inside me.

I want to be happy and I do try, I try really freakin' hard but no matter how I do it it doesn't seem right. I'm not expecting to be super mum, I'd be quite happy with average.

I feel smothered by memories. I feel full of uncontrollable sadness and anger. 

I know this will pass, I know things will get better but there are moments where it is just me and my darkness and it is terrifying. I feel like I'm surrounded by darkness with a candle but no way to light it. 

On top of this I am becoming bitter. I don't usually question suffering and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I see it as a part of life and you do what you need to to transmute it into something positive that helps you grow.

This time I am struggling, this time I am questioning. I think why me? Why am I the one who is drowning in motherhood? And I hate that, it feels pathetic, like I'm giving up.

I wonder is this me? Is this because of everything that's happened? How do I find my resilience again? 

I wanted this (to be a mum) so bad. It seemed it wasn't going to happen, Alice was never going to be a viable pregnancy, I believed she died during labour and yet, she's here! 

And that makes the guilt and sadness worse. I feel like I am not appreciating the gift that I've been given as much as I should. 

I want so much to get through this, I know I can do this but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to fight off a bear with a spoon.

I think it's important for me to remember that I don't feel this way all the time, sometimes I truly am happy. I do love Alice, I am trying and I want to try.

I will get through this because the alternative to give up is inconceivable. 

So I will find a way to light that candle.

I will fight off that bear with my trusty spoon. 

I will be an egg not a potato.

It's not the circumstances, its what you're made of.

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The £9,000 girl

Everything I write (and think) lately seems to be negative, unhappy, sad or hopeless. I’m finding it really tough at the minute, I do have good days but then when I have bad days or even bad times they are awful.

Husband says that this isn’t me and that it is just how I’m feeling and that it will pass. I want to believe him but sometimes I’m not sure he’s right, sometimes, most of the time in fact I am sure that the this is me. My soul feels like it is being strangled by weeds, anything beautiful is slowly being covered to the point of I’m not sure what’s under there anymore. I have a lot of gardening to do, metaphorically speaking and literally (we’ve not long moved house and there is so much still to do).  

When I am having a good day I try and relish every moment of it because I don’t know how long it will last. I take more photos now of these moments the idea being I can look back on them as evidence that sometimes I do feel good and that the horrible feelings will pass.

The simplest moments are the ones that make me the happiest. Sometimes me and Alice will both have a second breakfast of cheese on toast and watch Disney or Harry Potter. We sit next to each other, she’s in her high chair, and I’m on a crappy conservatory chair because well half our house isn’t unpacked yet. I cut some bits off for her and put them on the tray and watch her eat them one by one and she giggles at Draco (she’s a total Malfoy fan girl it’s embarrassing). There is something so wonderful about watching her eat cheese on toast, I have no idea what it is but I can’t get enough of it. When she’s finished she will lean over and look at my plate to see if there’s any left and just stare at me as I finish eating my toast.

Look how little she is here!!

I love bath time with Alice especially now she’s getting older and seems to find it more fun. There’s a mermaid bath toy I’ve had my eye on since she was born but I’ve always put off buying it as she was too small but I gave in and bought it her for her birthday and she loves it. I love the way that when we pour the water to wash her hair she tries to hold the stream as if it’s ribbon and then get’s more frantic and excited because her fingers keep going through the water instead of grabbing it. We recently bought a clear non-slip bath mat for the bath and it has little blue and pink fishes on the bottom. Alice will spend lots of time trying to grab the fish from the bottom which always makes me laugh; the determination in her face is brilliant.

We live right next to a beautiful park and I try and take Alice as much as I can but I often let silly things like chores or decorating take priority. I especially enjoy the park now it’s a little colder and we both have to wrap up in coats to stay warm. Alice got 5 coats for her birthday, this girl is better dressed then I ever was its crazy! She’s even got wellies, she can’t even walk yet! There’s a beautiful sensory garden in the park and I love taking her round that, she’s not normally too bothered to be honest. Sometimes we will just sit on a bench and stare at the trees and the other people walking by, it is so peaceful. It feels so good to be out in the light just me and Alice; it’s nice to get away from any reminder of all the other crap I have to do.

In the sensory garden

We went for a walk yesterday and it rained towards the end which I loved. I love the sound of rain in the trees or the sound it makes on the conservatory roof. I am excited for the day me and Alice can go jumping in puddles. We walked round the whole of the park looking at all the trees changing colour and dropping their leaves, Alice isn’t that bothered obviously unless there’s something close enough to grab. There’s a playground in the park too and me and Alice sat on a swing together for a while. She even got to have a go on her own in one of the baby swings. As we walked round the park to head home I thought about how lucky I am. I work part time (25 hours a week over 2 long days) and even though it’s tiring once it’s done I get those 5 days with my daughter, sometimes I get her to myself!

I feel very lucky to have been able to go part time. In order to do this I have essentially taken a £9,000 a year pay cut and do you know what? She is totally worth it. All those little moments that are what keep me going through the day, the cheese on toast, the baths and the walks in the park are 100% worth that £9,000.

Smiling for the camera!

It is very easy to stay nestled in negativity. It coils around you as if it’s protecting you but really it is shutting you off from the positive things in your life and the more you struggle the tighter it becomes.  It’s like a tumour that starts of tiny and you may not even notice it but before you know it it’s tripled its size and by then it’s too late it’s already impacting on your health. It casts your reflection like that of a funhouse mirror, everything looks distorted.

I think I need to make more of an effort to be positive, to be happy. Negativity has been my ‘friend’ for a year and I think I am slowly forgetting what it’s like to live without it. One day this experience will be a memory and I will look back at the things I have learned and thank the universe for the opportunity to grow. When life throws us something negative, difficult or horrible we can respond in 3 ways; we can throw it back at someone else so they feel just as bad, we can let it destroy us or we can change it into something positive that helps us grow.

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The 'T' word

Let’s talk about the ‘T’ word. Trauma. PTSD. I used to think you could only develop PTSD or trauma related symptoms after being in the armed forces, surviving a disaster or abuse but it seems this is not the case.

I was diagnosed with birth trauma/PTSD symptoms when Alice was around 6 months old. It was a relief that I wasn’t losing my mind and that I finally had evidence it wasn’t post natal depression but part of me didn’t quite believe you could be traumatised by something as ‘natural’ as childbirth.

The Birth Trauma Association identifies the following as risk factors for birth trauma:

• Lengthy labour or short and very painful labour
• Induction
• Poor pain relief
• Feelings of loss of control
• High levels of medical intervention
• Traumatic or emergency deliveries, e.g. emergency caesarean section
• Impersonal treatment or problems with the staff attitudes
• Not being listened to
• Lack of information or explanation
• Lack of privacy and dignity
• Fear for baby's safety
• Stillbirth
• Birth of a damaged baby (a disability resulting from birth trauma)
• Baby’s stay in SCBU/NICU
• Poor postnatal care
• Previous trauma (for example, in childhood, with a previous birth or domestic violence)

Trauma isn’t tied to a particular experience such as war; it is more about the experience of the individual. Trauma can occur when the individual experiences an actual or perceived threat of serious harm to them or someone close to them, a feeling of horror, feelings of helplessness and probably lots more that I can’t remember!

The Birth Trauma Association identifies the following as characteristics of PTSD following a traumatic birth:

•   A response of intense fear, helplessness or horror to that experience.
• The persistent re-experiencing of the event by way of recurrent intrusive memories, flashbacks and nightmares. The individual will usually feel distressed, anxious or panicky when exposed to things which remind them of the event.
• Avoidance of anything that reminds them of the trauma. This can include talking about it, although sometimes women may go through a stage of talking of their traumatic experience a lot so that it obsesses them at times.
• Bad memories and the need to avoid any reminders of the trauma, will often result in difficulties with sleeping and concentrating. Sufferers may also feel angry, irritable and be hyper vigilant (feel jumpy or on their guard all the time).

Since having Alice I’ve experienced all of these. I’ve also experienced intense bursts of anger, panic and sadness. I have sometimes felt intense grief and almost been trapped in this feeling that she did actually die even though she might be right there in front of me.

I had nightmares that I had another baby, was pregnant again or was giving birth again. Thankfully these stopped a few months ago. There are films I could not watch until recently, food I couldn’t eat, places I couldn’t visit. At its worst point I hated going to the toilet in our old house because of the memories. I have had bouts of insomnia where I just could not sleep despite being exhausted because I was so on edge waiting for something to happen.

I never realised it was possible to feel so awful and to feel so god damn lonely. I honestly feel that I have been broken by the experience of birth and I hope with all my might that it is only temporary. I adore Alice and I have bonded with her but at times it is bitter sweet. She is wonderful and without a doubt the best thing I have ever done, but the day she came into the world was the worst day of my life and I am yet to recover from it. In the darkest moments of my darkest days I feel that she is the best thing and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Let me clear, I do not regret having Alice for a single second, I have never wished for my ‘old life back’ before I had her, but some days I feel like I am surviving rather than living. I love my daughter ferociously but I wish things were different sometimes.

I am probably taking a risk putting this out there but I feel I need to. I need to be 100% honest, to not feel ashamed no matter what the response. I need to own this experience and there is a tiny part of that hopes someone else will read this and not feel as lonely and guilty as I did (and do sometimes).

If you are reading this and thinking ‘this sounds like me!’ then this bit is for you.

Whatever happened to you to make you feel this way was not your fault, and if it was someone else’s fault there probably isn’t much use blaming them because it won’t change anything. You are not an awful human being because of how you feel and you are still an amazing parent despite all the crap going on in your head.

You need to talk and talk and talk and talk. You might feel like you are boring people to death but the people who love you will listen and each time you talk about it your brain organises your experience a little more and it becomes a little more bearable.

There will be really tough days but there will be awesome days too. Hold onto those days and don’t condemn them when the bad days roll back around, instead use them as umbrella and remember the sun will shine again.  Forgive yourself when you struggle, do not feel weak, you are strong you’re just a little tired. Let yourself take a break and keep going.

Do something creative to get those feelings out. Sometimes it is hard to understand what is going on until it is in front of us somehow, it might help loved ones understand a bit more too.

Finally if you feel the same after a few weeks seek professional help it can make such a difference.

Since I started talking about how I felt after Alice’s birth I have been met by lots of different reactions, the majority supportive and helpful and a few that were not. The response I get the most often is ‘do you not feel bonded with Alice?’ I think people find it hard to believe that you can feel such strong emotions at the same time but it is possible. I have had people tell me I am depressed or that it’s just ‘new mum anxiety’. Again I think people find it hard to see how anything as natural as childbirth could be traumatic.

To anyone who might read this who knows someone who has experienced birth trauma, or might be here are some things to say and not to say. Please bear in mind however that this is only based on my personal experience and everyone is different.

‘When are you having the next one?’ or variations of this. I had and still have this a lot, even when I am completely honest about how I am feeling. You see birth as completely normal but to me it is currently the most terrifying thing you could ask me to do. If I had just had a horrendous car accident you wouldn’t be asking me when I was going to drive again and you certainly wouldn’t be dismissive if I said I just can’t manage it at the minute.

‘You forget the birth as soon as you hold them for the first time, then you are just filled with pure love’. Don’t get me wrong I was overjoyed when Alice was born but I have not forgotten the birth to this day and we are a year on. 

‘Your baby is healthy though that’s the main thing’. This is usually said when talking about a horrible birth. I totally understand that people are trying to get you to be positive about your experience but it makes me feel like my experience is being dismissed, as if my horrendous experience doesn’t matter because Alice is here safe and sound. Don’t get me wrong of course I am relieved and happy she is but her health now doesn’t take away the fear I had in labour that she was dead.

‘Don’t talk about the birth too much or it will bring it all back’. This seems to be a common misconception. Talking actually makes things better, it seems to help process it.

‘You are depressed’. Just because everything isn’t sunshine and flowers now Alice is here does not mean I am depressed. It is not as simple as that, I think the experience of motherhood is more complicated than that.

I know on the whole people mean well and it must be so difficult to know what to do or say. I have some wonderful friends and family who have been supportive. They have listened to the same stuff over and over again, sometimes at 3am. My husband has been my rock through everything. He has held me when I cried for no reason, he has been patient and calm when I have been angry, he has even stayed awake telling me stories when I couldn’t sleep. I used to think I knew how much he loved me but I don’t think I had even the slightest clue until this experience.

It must feel pretty damn hard supporting someone through this, I have no idea how my husband does it. I truly don’t know how he has coped with the moods and the lack of sleep!!! But he has (thank God). Here are some simple sounding things that make the world of difference (or have to me anyway)

Patience. This is not going to be sorted overnight. It will take time; there will be ups and downs, good days and bad days. Things will get better, things will change.

Love. I don’t know about other people but I quite often I feel like the worst human being ever. I feel weak because something ‘natural’ has affected me so greatly. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I feel sad and guilty that I am putting my family through this, I feel frustrated that I am not ‘getting better’ as quickly as I would like. Love helps people to open up, to talk and therefore move forward. It reminds me that I am not my experience, that it is only part of me.

Listening. You will probably hear the same things over and over again. You might here the birth story over and over again and if you think it’s boring remember, that person is probably reliving it over and over every single day. Being allowed to talk helps process what happened and therefore helps the person to move on. You aren’t expected to know all the answers just to listen to the problem.

Understanding. Some of what is said might be strange, you might not agree with it, some of it might hurt but trying to understand what it is like from that persons point of view without judgement will help them move on.

The face that reminds me that this is all totally worth it.
 Not for a second do I regret having this cheeky little girl.
My impossible girl. 

For information about birth trauma visit http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/default.asp