Lately I've been feeling pretty damn awful. Lonely, angry, sad.
I've felt and thought things that have made me feel ashamed and sometimes scared.
I don't know if I'm happy.
I know I should be, I have everything I've ever wanted but I don't feel the way I think I should or that I would like to.
I feel completely alienated from everyone, I even feel like an alien in my own body. I feel so so lonely, I am alone in this experience. I'm sure there are lots of women who feel like this around the world but our experiences will all vary. I don't feel I have met one person who can say 'I know what you're going through and it will get better'.
Other mums tell me it's hard, they feel the same, everyone goes through this etc and I think 'are you serious?!' How the hell do you manage this shit on a daily basis and then decide to do it again with another kid?!
I look at Alice and I love her to pieces, I know I do...but when she cries or is upset instead of wanting to go to her all I think is 'please god no I can't do this'.
I cannot shake this feeling that this shouldn't have happened to me. I don't mean that in a 'wish I could have old before baby life back' but in a 'someone made a terrible mistake making me a mum' way.
I cannot shake the feeling that there is something not quite right inside me that means I shouldn't be a mum, some piece is missing or doesn't fit right. This doesn't feel like normal mummy guilt, I've had that. This is an overwhelming, suffocating feeling. It's not about my ability to do mum things because I think I can do them, it's more about something inherent inside me.
I want to be happy and I do try, I try really freakin' hard but no matter how I do it it doesn't seem right. I'm not expecting to be super mum, I'd be quite happy with average.
I feel smothered by memories. I feel full of uncontrollable sadness and anger.
I know this will pass, I know things will get better but there are moments where it is just me and my darkness and it is terrifying. I feel like I'm surrounded by darkness with a candle but no way to light it.
On top of this I am becoming bitter. I don't usually question suffering and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I see it as a part of life and you do what you need to to transmute it into something positive that helps you grow.
This time I am struggling, this time I am questioning. I think why me? Why am I the one who is drowning in motherhood? And I hate that, it feels pathetic, like I'm giving up.
I wonder is this me? Is this because of everything that's happened? How do I find my resilience again?
I wanted this (to be a mum) so bad. It seemed it wasn't going to happen, Alice was never going to be a viable pregnancy, I believed she died during labour and yet, she's here!
And that makes the guilt and sadness worse. I feel like I am not appreciating the gift that I've been given as much as I should.
I want so much to get through this, I know I can do this but sometimes it feels like I'm trying to fight off a bear with a spoon.
I think it's important for me to remember that I don't feel this way all the time, sometimes I truly am happy. I do love Alice, I am trying and I want to try.
I will get through this because the alternative to give up is inconceivable.
So I will find a way to light that candle.
I will fight off that bear with my trusty spoon.
I will be an egg not a potato.
It's not the circumstances, its what you're made of.