New Year 2016/2017

It feels like only 5 minutes ago I was sat at home New Year 2015/2016 wondering what the hell was going on with my life and if it was ever going to get better.

I made a promise to myself that instead of remembering 2015 as a terrible year of loss it would be remembered as the year I put my health first and made changes for the better. I knew one part of this recovery would be me looking in the mirror 9 months pregnant saying 'bring it on birth's and meaning it.

A year later and here I am sat sipping prosecco and cuddling a little baby, my second baby. I faced what was my biggest fear for a long time and overcame it spectacularly.
It's been a year of therapy, medication and support but it has all been worth it.

Sophie's birth was such a positive and liberating experience and it left me feeling healed from the previous trauma of Alice's birth.

I can't say it's a complete 'happily ever after'. I still have tough days with my mood but not feeling ashamed of how I feel has made this experience so much easier to live with me.

It is a wonderful feeling to be going into 2017 hopeful, happy and healthy when just one year ago I couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again.

So goodbye to a year of accomplishments and hello to a year of peace, happiness and sleep deprivation.

Happy new year :)

Boob diaries

Let me start by saying this is not going to be a 'breast is best' type post, it is just my experience so if that sort of thing bores you I suggest you stop reading now.

I stopped breastfeeding Alice after 3 days and went to expressing and formula feeding. The experience was utterly horrendous and I genuinely hated the flood of hormone feeling I got when she fed. The relief and confidence I got from giving her that first bottle was brilliant and she thrived. I had no negative feelings towards breastfeeding, it just wasn't for us. However, all baby's are different so I thought it was worth another try with Sophie.

It was tricky and felt awkward at the start. Without being too crude you have this tiny new baby with this tiny new mouth and these huge brand new pair of boobs and no instructions of how this is exactly supposed to work. I remember one low point in hospital where I hated every single women who ever breastfed because at that time I couldn't do it. I was so frustrated, like there was something I was missing, I was missing the bit that made breastfeeding easy.

I know now that breastfeeding isn't easy. It's something you both have to learn and practice but I didn't realise this at the start as it is described as natural which made me think it would be straightforward and easy...Ha!

The next 4 weeks consisted of syringe feeding, bottle feeding, expressing, formula and the very very occasional successful latch. This time I actually enjoyed feeding Sophie from my breast and wanted to continue if I could. It's been emotional. There have been times where I have felt on a high, like mother earth feeding my offspring with my sacred milk and other times I have sat and sobbed with leaking boobs and a little baby guzzling away on a bottle of formula.

Sophie apparently had a tongue tie which took well over a week to get sorted with no gaurantee it would make the slightest bit of difference. Thankfully it did make a bigger difference then expected. I don't think it was 'the thing' that got breastfeeding to work for us though. I read somewhere that breastfeeding is 10% milk production and 90% determination and for us that was definitely the case.

It took over 4 weeks for me and Sophie to be able to breastfeed and there were plenty of times I was convinced it wouldn't happen, even the day before breastfeeding 'clicked' I was convinced it wasn't going to be for us.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world. Sophie would have been healthy on expressed milk or formula. I don't see formula as the devil, I didn't want Sophie to have my milk because it is superior, I wanted her to have it because my body makes it for her, I love the idea of seeing her get bigger, seeing her get those cute baby rolls knowing my body personally did that.

We are still early on in our breastfeeding journey and today for  the first time I breastfed in public (she didn't give me much choice!) and it was a surprisingly good experience.

Sophie was screaming Costa down, I was a little worried as the only free table was between 2 others and the place was rammed but when baby's gotta eat they've gotta eat! I didn't necessarily expect dirty looks and being asked to leave but I did not expect the warm and human response I got.

The women on the tables next to me helped soothe Sophie while I sorted out a drink and all the other crap you take out with a little baby, they made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed and chatted to me about their experience of raising children. I wasn't given dirty or awkward looks because I was getting a boob out in public, I wasn't put on a pedastal because I was breastfeeding, I was treated with respect and compassion as a mum looking after her little baby.  I was so grateful for their help and support and for making the first public outing for my boobs a positive experience.

So to the women in Costa who helped out a tired, flustered mum and a little baby, thank you.

To my friends, husband, family and professionals who have ridden the highs and lows of this part of my breastfeeding experience so far, thank you.

And to my little Sophie (AKA Twigs AKA the tiny dictator) thank you for deciding that boobs are tasty.

#normalisebreastfeeding

Then there were two...

Sophie is now 5 weeks old and what a 5 weeks it has been. 5 weeks is so tiny yet it feels like she's been here 6 months already. We are adjusting to being a family of 4 which still sounds strange to me, a family of how many?!

Alice seems to be adjusting quite well to having a little sister. I think in her world, as long there's chocolate she's a happy girl. She doesn't seem that interested in Sophie most of the time. She will occasionally stroke her head, say she is soft or that she's crying (and is then quick to hand me a dummy!) Or that she's having a nappy change...but that's about it.

Sophie is obviously oblivious to anything that doesn't involve food or sleep. Alice can scream in her face and she doesn't even flinch. My head touches the pillow however and she will cry for England.

So what are the main differences as a mum of two so far?

I have learned you need to lower your expectations of what can be achieved in a day. Some days you have to count being able to shower as a win...even though you couldn't dry your hair and you had a crying baby serenading you throughout. As for make up, I think I can forget about that for now.

That beautiful, elusive thing called sleep. I used to want at least a good 4 hours of straight sleep. Now? I feel glad when I get to close my eyes for 5 minutes especially if the house is quiet at the same time.

Mealtimes have changed a lot. I have a small person who doesn't want to eat anything and when she does want to eat she seems to want to put on the floor first. I have a tiny person who doesn't want to STOP eating which means I spend a good part of my day with a boob out chasing a toddler around with some sort of food while she tells me no and repeatedly asks for yogurts. You would think there is a limit to the amount of yogurt a small person can consume; there isn't.

Some days actually feel easy, everything works out and everyone seems in sync. Then there are other days like today where it feels like utter chaos. The kitchen is full of dishes, the living room floor is covered in brightly coloured crap, there are muslins and bibs all over the place and I am having to watch The Secret Life Of Pets for the third time this week.

Despite the chaos and lack of showering I am happy and generally feel at peace. No matter how bad the worst days have been since Sophie was born they are nothing compared to how I felt after Alice's birth. I think I understand even more now just how much that experience affected my life. I feel sad for my past self but also incredibly grateful that I don't spend my days reliving a traumatic birth and spend my nights feeling panicked but not knowing why. I feel healed and like I can finally enjoy looking to the future which is exactly what I intend to do.

'Allow'

In my opinion, the word 'allow' in maternity services should be banned. I'm hoping this won't sound like a rant but I can live with it if it does!

Anyone who's read anything on this page or who is close to me will know the birth of my daughter was a terrible experience; one part of this was issues with pain relief.

During labour I asked to discuss pain relief and the attitude I got was 'what about it?' as if it was an odd thing to ask given the circumstances. I was genuinely shocked, in my mind you're in hospital, something is painful, you have pain relief, right?
I asked for an epidural and the response was 'we don't do them on the birth centre'. In the politest words I can muster, is that my problem?! I did not choose to birth here, you have decided that I will birth here.
The next response was 'we don't have enough staff' which at the time terrified me because what it meant to me was very different to what it actually meant to the midwifes. What they meant was there are no beds on the delivery suite and that's where you need to be rather then we are so short staffed if there's an emergency you're screwed.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about this part of my labour for a long time. Then I started to feel angry. I know how short staffed the NHS is and that sometimes things just can't be helped, I can still feel angry about it but there was nothing to be done at that time.
The attitude from many midwives towards pain relief in labour however is something in my opinion needs to change. A midwife told me 'you don't look in that much pain' during a contraction. At the time it made me feel weak and embarrassed, like I was less of a woman for not managing birth the way I should. Now? I know that it is her that should feel embarrassed and ashamed for making such a ridiculous horrible comment to a frightened woman in labour.

Society seems to cultivate an attitude that labour is terribly painful (which for some is true, others it isn't) but then when it comes to pain relief there seems to be an opposite attitude that should you need it you are weak or that the pain of childbirth should just be tolerated.

That is so wrong in my opinion. 

I've listened to and read lots of birth stories in the last 2 years, some positive, some negative but a common theme that crops up time and time again is being 'allowed' to have something such as pain relief. It makes me very angry. I think this culture from maternity healthcare professionals disempowers women (and their birth partners) and gets them to believe that the professionals are correct 100% of the time...almost like the baby is there's to do with is they see fit. But mother's and fathers remember that it is the woman that births the baby. Even in the case of a C-section where you might say it is the professional performing the operation, nothing happens without the mothers consent and it is her body.

I've heard lots of women talk about when they were 'allowed' pain relief, usually when a midwife deemed it appropriate. Women have spoken about asking for gas and air and being denied because a midwife has said that they should hold on as essentially labour is going to get worse.

I understand advising women to try all other options before resorting to stronger pain relief for many reasons including effectiveness in later stages of labour and possible increased risk of interventions however, the bottom line is this...

Surely it is a woman's right to have pain relief when she requests it regardless of the opinion of a midwife.

In any other circumstance would you leave a person or an animal in pain? I can't think of any. So why is it expected during labour?

If a woman requests pain relief and continues to feel she needs it why should she not just be given it? If I am missing something here please, please correct me because at the moment it doesn't seem to make sense.

As I write this I am just over 2 weeks away from my due date. I cannot predict the type of birth I have, maybe it will natural, assisted or C-section, I cannot say at this point however, I will be doing everything I can to ensure I have an empowered birth. I have promised myself that this culture of 'allow' will not 'infect' my birth this time. If I wish for pain relief Goddess help the midwife who says I don't need it or comments on the level of pain I am experiencing.

I am the most important person in that room and my needs are a priority as well as the needs of my baby.

At a time where a woman's body is doing something so fantastically amazing and 2 peoples worlds are being changed forever no one should do or say anything to make them feel weak or not good enough.

A letter to my daughter on her birthday

Hello small one,

Today is your 2nd birthday, you are 2 years old! Some of the days have seemed so long but the years have passed by like minutes. 2 years old is still so small yet at the same time it feels like you've always been a part of our life.

We see more of your personality every day. You are so funny and seem to enjoy making people laugh. You are kind and generous (except when it comes to your new cosy coupe). You always offer your food and toys to people that don't have any, even strangers sometimes. You are so clever and creative, you seem to come out with new words all the time and you adore anything that involves paint, stickers, crayons or pens.

You were recently described as 'defiant' by a stranger which at first made me feel a little uneasy and worried. Now however, I am proud of your defiant streak even though it can be very draining sometimes! You are a fiery, ferocious little soul filled to the brim with curiosity and passion. You have a light in you that gives me strength in my weakest moments. You are very aware of what you want and you are not shy letting the world know it.
You are incredibly affectionate you have so much love inside you and it's love that I most want to talk to you about today.

In a couple of months your little sister will be born and all our lives will change. I feel guilty sometimes that you are too little for me to help you to understand exactly what is about to happen and I hope that you know your dad and I still love you more then anything.

Love you will come to learn is infinate. When you were born your dad and I loved you immensely but that love has only grown the more we get to know you. Love continues to grow and multiplies when it is nurtured and cared for.

When your sister is born we will love her immensely too but this does not take away any love we have for you, love isn't shared in that way. The love we have for your sister is completly new and will grow the same way our love for your grows all the time.

I hope one day at least you will love your sister too. I am so excited for her to meet you and to see all the funny mischief you will both bring to me and your dad. Sure, some days I'll probably feel like selling you both on eBay but deep down I wouldn't change it for anything.

Happy birthday beautiful, never stop being able to breathe fire.

xxx

The most natural thing in the world

The breastfeeding in public debate has come up again on social media and normally I don't feel as strongly about it but this time I did (probably the hormones).

The most recent debate started because Christina Torino-Benton breastfed her baby during her wedding and posted photos online to a breastfeeding support group. This is more on the story for anyone interested http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/bride-shares-amazing-photo-of-her-breastfeeding-during-wedding-c/

I've seen the photos and unless I've missed something I wouldn't have even known she was breastfeeding so I'm not quite sure why some people are getting upset by it. Instead what I see is a beautiful, happy bride on her wedding day.

I tried to breastfeed Alice and it was a disaster for a number of reasons, one of them being I just didn't like it. I decided instead to express/pump and top up with formula. And you know what? I actually received quite a bit of criticism from all sides. Some mothers who breastfed thought I should 'just put baby on my breast' and that I was 'cancelling out the goodness of breastmilk' and others that bottle/formula fed thought I should just switch to formula and be done with it. Talk about not being able to do anything right, huh?

It saddens me when I'm with breastfeeding mothers and they ask (sometimes in their own houses) 'do you mind if I breastfeed?' You wouldn't ask me if I was ok with you feeding your baby a yogurt in my presence so you have no need to ask where breastfeeding is concerned. Thank you for the thought but you do what you got to do mama, baby's hungry!

It still amazes me that these debates continue and the assumptions that are made about mothers (and fathers too!)
Many people presumed that I must feel terrible that I didn't or couldn't breastfeed and I did for a while because I felt I was a failure as I wasn't doing what society expected but deep down I know I made the right decision and I can live with that comfortably. On the other hand people sometimes presume I must see breastfeeding mothers as ''elitest'' and 'earth mothers' which makes me laugh even more! Could it be possible I'm happy with my choice and happy for others to make theirs?

This topic was discussed on This Morning where Holly Willoughby defended women's rights to breastfeed in public without having to feel the need to cover up. I really don't understand the covering up thing. I have never seen a woman sitting with full breasts out to feed her baby, all you can see is a babies head and being honest I don't think I notice when women are breastfeeding half the time. So where does the offence come from? I am genuinely intrigued. Women post skimpy selfies and that's ok but breastfeeding is a taboo topic to post on social media? I'm not saying women shouldn't post skimpy selfies I merely wonder why one is more acceptable then the other.

I hear lots of women say how breasts are made to feed babies and are not sexual objects and I understand where they are coming from but being honest for me breasts are capable of being sexual and producing food for babies.

I wonder if this is why some people have an issue with seeing breastfeeding in public, it challenges the notion that breasts are not just sexual (or are sexual at all) and if so I understand where that uncomfortable feeling comes from. However, this gives no one the right to ask women to cover up. The way I see it, if you feel uncomfortable they are YOUR feelings to deal with not that mothers. Mothers have enough crap on their plates without worrying about how you feel about their feeding choice.

What an odd society we live in where we are sometimes almost militant about mothers breastfeeding their babies but then telling them 'oh no not here! Put a pashmina over yourself!' This thing that is so natural, so good, so beautiful that we must never see it in public or on social media? HA!

For mothers who are breastfeeding, forget the haters, their feelings are their problems to manage not yours. You feed your baby, you be happy, that is the most important thing.

For mothers who are expressing, don't listen to anyone who looks down your choice. Maybe you're expressing because feeding direct from 'the source' is too stressful? Or maybe it's important for you and your partner that they feed baby too? Whatever your reason be proud, be happy, these are the most important things.

For mothers who are formula feeding don't you dare let yourself feel inadequate. Youre feeding your baby, you are doing your best, your baby is healthy and loved. Be proud and be happy, these are the most important things.

For ALL mothers, be proud and own your parenting choices. Feeding your baby however you do it is the most natural thing in the world.

The second first trimester

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant, half way through but still with miles to go.

I remember the first trimester with Alice pretty well. There was so much uncertainty in the beginning with a molar pregnancy misdiagnosis but other then that it was pretty smooth sailing...not that I thought that at the time!

I know they say every pregnancy is different but JEEZ!! I naively thought that because my body had done this once it might...ease in to it better somehow...? And in the belly growing department it certainly did but for the most part it felt like my body was whining like 'pregnant?! Not this again!'

I wrote a post about growing a bump in my first pregnancy and how every day was filled with impatience and frustration that a bump hadn't popped out and that my pregnancy wasn't obvious for all to see. This time? I was wearing the biggest cardigans I could find to cover up my expanding belly and chest until it is 'safe' to announce it. Every day I was doing the mental equivelant of poking my belly back in. I felt like my stomach muscles went 'psshht you're on your own love' and let go of what little hold they had.

I remember looking at my belly at 12 weeks thinking where the hell did that come from?! Whereas with Alice it was the opposite, I was upset that I wasn't expanding fast enough!

I look back on the days during Alice's pregnancy were I felt 'ill' and laugh. I had a few weeks where I would feel queasy if I didn't eat and there was a brief time I had to eat crackers before getting out bed but that was about it.
This time was horrendous.
There were days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't go to work because I was so sick. I completly went off food which felt quite cruel because I love food ha! There were frequent emergency trips to the toilet to throw up and it was so unpredictable! I could be fine all day and then that one mouthful of food would finish me off.

I remember one of the worst days where I couldn't even keep crackers down Alice had beans on toast for lunch. As with most toddlers some of this went on the floor..I managed to scoop this up with kitchen roll and put it on the side before having to rush to be sick. When I came back downstairs Alice was sat on the floor with the now empty kitchen roll grinning having eaten the floor beans.

When I was pregnant with Alice I couldn't wait to get into maternity clothes. This time? I still have a strops some mornings because I can't wear normal clothes. I remember looking down at those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test and after the initial excitement thinking 'this is the skinniest I'm going to be for a long while'.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my pregnancy because I am very lucky  and happy to be pregnant; I think it's just been a bit of a surprise. With all the issues before getting pregnant with Alice, all the wanting and not thinking it was going to happen I felt desperate to embrace every part of pregnancy. This time I expected a similar problem but nope! Pregnant straight away! It actually took quite a while for the shock to subside and the real excitement to kick in. I remember feeling quite guilty the day I did the test and picked Alice up from the childminders but I'm not sure why. It felt a little like I was doing something cruel to her, maybe she would think I didn't love her anymore? I even thought maybe I was a horrible person and should just be happy with one child instead of being greedy and wanting two! In the end I think this was maybe part of the shock because it didn't last long and now I'm so excited (and terrified) of having two children.

Overall my experience of the second first trimester has taught me the following...

Every pregnancy really is different, it's not just bull people say.

Being pregnant with baby 2 makes you excited (and terrified) for a whole host of different reasons.

You can be a glower with one pregnancy and be a grower with the next. Me? This time I am most definitely a grower.  

Maternal mental health matters

16 weeks (well nearly 17 weeks) pregnant and I find myself wondering about something my midwife said at my last appointment. 'Maternal mental health is one of our targets!' followed by a giggle.

Maternal mental health is one of our targets.

I find myself thinking...really? And what are you doing to meet these targets? During my appointment I openly said my mental health was not as good as it good have been. I didn't expect a flurry of interventions but I expected acceptance and for this to be monitored....yet nothing was recorded and no advice was given.

Some paperwork has been filled in and referals have been made but I can't help but feel maternal mental health is passed around by professionals and no one really knows who's responsibility it is. The result? In my experience anyway the woman ends up feeling no more supported then she did in the first place.

I don't want to be a tick box on your piece of paper. I don't want to be a target you can meet by passing me on to someone else.

I want to be a human listened to and accepted. I want to know that if the shit hits the fan you've got my back but I don't.

As wonderful as it is and as grateful as I am that I feel my baby is 100% cared for I can't help but wonder why it seems to be so difficult to do the same for me? I am confident if I had a physical problem I would be treated or monitored straight away...but then mental health is different isn't it?

It's almost invisible and therefore difficult to monitor I suppose. It's subjective, there are no machines to gauge how someone's feeling in the way that blood pressure can be measured.

If I could ask one thing (or maybe two) of midwives it would be this.

Talk to your clients and listen to what they say. No one expects you to work miracles but you have no idea of the power of talking to someone and letting them talk knowing they will be listened to. Trust me on this it's how I make a living.

Maternal mental health DOES matter. I can't help but feel there is something missing in terms of education. Don't get me wrong like every profession there are people who are passionate about different things and I've met midwives passionate about mental health...but on the whole it feels like midwives have been given these targets but not the knowledge as to why they need to meet it. This seems really unfair somehow.

When I had my 6 week check after having Alice I informed my GP that I wasn't feeling myself and that I wanted support. His response? Talk to your health visitor. I spoke to my health visitor, their response? Speak to your GP.

At the time I left it. My mistake. Things got worse and we know how that ended.

This will not be the case this time.

This time I will ensure that my health is as much of a priority as my baby's....I'm not quite sure how yet but I'm working on it.

My baby deserves a happy mama and I deserve to be a happy mama.

There have been lots of times recently where I've questioned why I thought it was fair to get pregnant again and put my husband and another tiny being through this crap...it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. I'm sure there are other people who secretly think how can she get pregnant again if everything she says about the last 20 months is true? And that's ok, people can think what they wish.

I wanted to be a mum again, I think deep down I knew I did from when Alice was a few weeks old and if everything had been 'ok' for lack of a better word there would be nothing unusual about this situation.

It comes down to this...I would rather face this fear now then grieve for the baby I could have had for the rest of my life.
 This was my choice and others in my situation make different choices. I stand by my choice and my desire for this baby is stronger then my fear. The road is rocky at the moment but that doesn't mean I want this new life any less.

Swimming with the wave

The last week has been super tough, I feel like I have nosedived right back into depression. Like I've forgotten how to swim in the middle of the sea.

One of the first things I felt was fear and then shame. What will people think? What if they see me failing? How will they judge me? I worried people might think or question why I got pregnant if I'm not 'completly cured'. Then I realised through support that I have enough on my plate without worrying about what other people might think.

Screw that and screw them.

People will think what they like, now is a time to surround myself with positive people not invite in others negativity.

I've been ruminating over Alice's birth a lot over the last week or so. I already feel completly out of control of this birth that is months away. I am struggling to see how it can be a different experience and therefore I feel like it's going to be awful again and there's nothing I can do...like I'm running towards a brick wall.

Somehow I forgot that I am the woman carrying this baby, not the midwives, not the doctors, me. Over the last 20 months I have learned just how strong and fierce being a mum makes you. Nothing on this earth would get on the way of me and my daughter and I think deep down inside I know that part of me can help me feel prepared to face birth again if I only give it a chance.

I have so much more control and power then I allow myself to feel. I'm terrified it will be taken away forgetting that perhaps I can take it back IF I lose it.

I doubt I will ever truly loose my terror of birth but if I can nurture my courage I can enjoy this pregnancy and maybe even the birth.

I want to be at the start of labour feeling excited and like I'm going to rock this birth thing.

I want to be holding my newborn feeling psyched and proud that I did it. I want to fist pump the air like 'TAKE THAT PTSD/PND!!'

I am so grateful for all the support I have had, it's what makes me keep going when I forget that I can.

I can't explain how momentous this pregnancy and birth is for me, not only because our family is growing but also because of what it symbolises for me. It symbolises me overcoming the hardest thing I have ever experienced and becoming a mum of two; something I never thought I wanted but now can't imagine being anything but.

When 3 became 4..

Being able to write this means so much to me.
There are so many emotions attached to it, happiness, excitement, pride and a little bit of fear.

I vividly remember sitting at home on New Years Eve reading everyone's New Years resolutions and their reflections on how great 2015 had been and feeling like I had somehow missed out on a great year.
I remember wondering what my recovery would look like and imagining myself at 9 months pregnant looking in the mirror saying 'bring it on birth' and meaning it.

It fills me with such happiness to say that I am pregnant.

12 weeks, due November 2016

I AM PREGNANT!!! 

And I am so damn excited and happy and proud of myself that I have got to this point.

It has not been easy and I am so grateful for the amazing support of my wonderful husband, family and friends I could not have gotten here without it.

I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't a teeny a bit terrified of what the birth will be like and how I will cope but alongside that terror is genuine excitement and hope that this time will be different.

For anyone wondering how I could be happy to be pregnant or why I would want to get pregnant after what I described as the worst experience of my life I'll tell you.
Just because you are scared to death of something doesn't mean you won't or shouldnt want it, or that you shouldn't try and get it. It takes courage, planning and perseverance but you can still go for it anyway.

The last thing I wanted was for an awful experience to rob me of having another child and being a mum again. Being a mum is something that years ago I never ever thought I wanted but now is something I couldn't imagine not being.

So here's to 2016 and a year of growing humans, happiness and families.

Alice practising her skills

Sneaky Doubt

It has been an age since I wrote anything and I’m a little annoyed at myself because as much as I don’t want to admit it it’s partly due to doubt that I haven’t written or posted anything. I don’t want to feel silenced about my experience of being a mum, I don’t want to feel that I should be quiet about how I felt because of what people might think.

I’m going to put it out there in black and white; I had what would be classed as a mental health problem. I had a mental health problem. I am recovering and living with a mental health problem and that is ok to be honest about. I know some people feel that because of my profession I should perhaps keep this a secret. It is not something I would drop into conversation at work particularly with patients because it would be completely unprofessional and inappropriate. I am aware however, that anything publicly posted on the internet has the potential to be read by anyone and that once I press ‘publish’ it is fair game for anyone.

I would like to think I have a fairly realistic view of the world. I am not overly pessimistic and think the whole world is going to hell but at the same time I do not think it is place purely filled with good. I feel there are lots of changes that could be made, too many changes for one person to tackle all at once so you pick the battles that have meaning to you. I am not out to try and change the world for everyone. I would love to think that I could change the world for individuals but I know this isn’t always possible for lots of reasons. Sometimes you can’t change things, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon your ideas, sometimes standing by them is enough.

I would be setting myself up to fail if I thought I could end mental health stigma, I might encounter disappointment if I try and change attitudes and don’t, but I don’t have to stand for it.

I have no shame in saying I suffered post natal depression and post natal PTSD. I have no shame in saying I’m still recovering. It makes no one a lesser parent (because dads can get this too ya know) because their mental health was impacted due to pregnancy or childbirth. It makes no one a lesser human being because sometimes their mental health suffers the same as their physical health does at different points in their life.

Parenting is so full of joy. But it is also filled full of fear, tears (yours and theirs) poop, sick, screaming, sleeplessness and sometimes sadness. It’s also accompanied to varying degrees by this sneaky bastard called Doubt. Doubt is so quiet you don’t even hear it come in and sit next to you; you think it’s your thoughts you’re but it’s that git next to you whispering.

Doubt needs a punch in the face.

 It has been one of the biggest things to hold me back in speaking to others about how I was truly feeling. It is the thing that tells you that you are a much worse parent then your friends ever realise. It can really make you feel like no other parent is as bad as you no matter what they say.

Doubt lies.

 Doubt will tell you that you shouldn’t be annoyed at having to feed your toddler yogurt as 2am because she hasn’t eaten all friggin day and now wants food. It tells you that you shouldn’t be muttering ‘for fuck sake’ under your breath because your small person has just tipped a bottle of water over themselves and require a change for the third time that day. It tells you that you should be enjoying every moment of being a parent and if you don’t you are a monster.

Getting to help a little person grow and find their way in the world is one of the most privileged positions to be in (in my opinion anyhoo) but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean it is horrendous either. I don’t want to say that everyone’s experience of parenting is normal because that isn’t true; things are much more complicated than that. I would say that muttering ‘for fuck sake’, feeling irritated at your child and celebrating ‘you time’ does not make you a monster. It makes you human.

Now go punch Doubt in the face and eat some cake because you're doing great.

To my daughter

My lovely girl,

You are 16 months old when I write this. You still sort of look like a giant baby because your hair is taking forever to grow but its starting to get there. Currently you are sporting a strange mullet that only you could pull off.

You arent quite walking alone yet but you can crawl like lightening and walk round holding onto furniture or with your kitchen walker that you love to ram into my ankles or the radiator.

You have just started sleeping through the night which I am eternally grateful for! You are starting to try and say some words like 'cat' 'daddy' 'teddy' and your favourite which is 'gone'.

You scrunch up your nose when you smile and you enjoy showing me just how loud your voice can be. You are affectionate and love to cuddle but you are also fiercely independent. You do things in your own time and the way you want to, you will not be helped and the look on your satisfied face when you do something you want is brilliant.

You are such a strong willed little girl, you are my daughter and I am so proud of you.  I've told you before you are called my impossible girl and every day with you is a blessing.

I think about your future and what it will be like. Will you have boyfriends? Girlfriends? What will be your favourite subjects at school? What will you want to be when you grow up? Will you get married and have children of your own one day?

I feel its important to tell you something now because sometimes as parents we think we are always clear but sometimes what we feel must be obvious  isn't.

No matter what me and your dad love you more then you could imagine. We are so proud of you because of who you are, we have no preconceived life plan for you, we are excited to watch you make your own future and to be a part of it with you.

Your health both physical and mental is so important. Take care of it. Value it for it is priceless. Please don't ever be afraid to talk to me about your  health. There is nothing too big, scary or intangible that I cannot support you with. Your mother has lots of experience with mental health both personal and professional and I will tell you the most important thing I have learned; never be ashamed. Be proud of who you are. The way medicine can help heal the body talking can help heal your mind. I will always be here to listen.

Don't ever let any man, woman or God tell you that you are not good enough or that you cannot do something. This my dear is bull. There may be those who have certain expectations of you, or those who try and place limitations on you because you're a girl....do not accept this. Men and women are equal. Men and women have different qualities it is true but these differences should be celebrated for what they are not used against one another.

I hope one day you will find love, whether with a man or a woman all I hope is you have happiness. I hope you find someone who loves you for everything you are and who becomes your best friend.

Should you choose to have children in the future know this; being a mum is tough but it is wonderful also. I have found motherhood tough so far but my dear it has also been the most extraordinary journey of my life. You have inspired me to change myself and my life for the better, you have taught me in so many ways how important it is so soldier on and that surrender is never an option.

So the final part of this letter is a thank you.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for giving me the best gift ever, the gift of being a mum.