Swimming with the wave

The last week has been super tough, I feel like I have nosedived right back into depression. Like I've forgotten how to swim in the middle of the sea.

One of the first things I felt was fear and then shame. What will people think? What if they see me failing? How will they judge me? I worried people might think or question why I got pregnant if I'm not 'completly cured'. Then I realised through support that I have enough on my plate without worrying about what other people might think.

Screw that and screw them.

People will think what they like, now is a time to surround myself with positive people not invite in others negativity.

I've been ruminating over Alice's birth a lot over the last week or so. I already feel completly out of control of this birth that is months away. I am struggling to see how it can be a different experience and therefore I feel like it's going to be awful again and there's nothing I can do...like I'm running towards a brick wall.

Somehow I forgot that I am the woman carrying this baby, not the midwives, not the doctors, me. Over the last 20 months I have learned just how strong and fierce being a mum makes you. Nothing on this earth would get on the way of me and my daughter and I think deep down inside I know that part of me can help me feel prepared to face birth again if I only give it a chance.

I have so much more control and power then I allow myself to feel. I'm terrified it will be taken away forgetting that perhaps I can take it back IF I lose it.

I doubt I will ever truly loose my terror of birth but if I can nurture my courage I can enjoy this pregnancy and maybe even the birth.

I want to be at the start of labour feeling excited and like I'm going to rock this birth thing.

I want to be holding my newborn feeling psyched and proud that I did it. I want to fist pump the air like 'TAKE THAT PTSD/PND!!'

I am so grateful for all the support I have had, it's what makes me keep going when I forget that I can.

I can't explain how momentous this pregnancy and birth is for me, not only because our family is growing but also because of what it symbolises for me. It symbolises me overcoming the hardest thing I have ever experienced and becoming a mum of two; something I never thought I wanted but now can't imagine being anything but.

When 3 became 4..

Being able to write this means so much to me.
There are so many emotions attached to it, happiness, excitement, pride and a little bit of fear.

I vividly remember sitting at home on New Years Eve reading everyone's New Years resolutions and their reflections on how great 2015 had been and feeling like I had somehow missed out on a great year.
I remember wondering what my recovery would look like and imagining myself at 9 months pregnant looking in the mirror saying 'bring it on birth' and meaning it.

It fills me with such happiness to say that I am pregnant.

12 weeks, due November 2016

I AM PREGNANT!!! 

And I am so damn excited and happy and proud of myself that I have got to this point.

It has not been easy and I am so grateful for the amazing support of my wonderful husband, family and friends I could not have gotten here without it.

I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't a teeny a bit terrified of what the birth will be like and how I will cope but alongside that terror is genuine excitement and hope that this time will be different.

For anyone wondering how I could be happy to be pregnant or why I would want to get pregnant after what I described as the worst experience of my life I'll tell you.
Just because you are scared to death of something doesn't mean you won't or shouldnt want it, or that you shouldn't try and get it. It takes courage, planning and perseverance but you can still go for it anyway.

The last thing I wanted was for an awful experience to rob me of having another child and being a mum again. Being a mum is something that years ago I never ever thought I wanted but now is something I couldn't imagine not being.

So here's to 2016 and a year of growing humans, happiness and families.

Alice practising her skills

Sneaky Doubt

It has been an age since I wrote anything and I’m a little annoyed at myself because as much as I don’t want to admit it it’s partly due to doubt that I haven’t written or posted anything. I don’t want to feel silenced about my experience of being a mum, I don’t want to feel that I should be quiet about how I felt because of what people might think.

I’m going to put it out there in black and white; I had what would be classed as a mental health problem. I had a mental health problem. I am recovering and living with a mental health problem and that is ok to be honest about. I know some people feel that because of my profession I should perhaps keep this a secret. It is not something I would drop into conversation at work particularly with patients because it would be completely unprofessional and inappropriate. I am aware however, that anything publicly posted on the internet has the potential to be read by anyone and that once I press ‘publish’ it is fair game for anyone.

I would like to think I have a fairly realistic view of the world. I am not overly pessimistic and think the whole world is going to hell but at the same time I do not think it is place purely filled with good. I feel there are lots of changes that could be made, too many changes for one person to tackle all at once so you pick the battles that have meaning to you. I am not out to try and change the world for everyone. I would love to think that I could change the world for individuals but I know this isn’t always possible for lots of reasons. Sometimes you can’t change things, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon your ideas, sometimes standing by them is enough.

I would be setting myself up to fail if I thought I could end mental health stigma, I might encounter disappointment if I try and change attitudes and don’t, but I don’t have to stand for it.

I have no shame in saying I suffered post natal depression and post natal PTSD. I have no shame in saying I’m still recovering. It makes no one a lesser parent (because dads can get this too ya know) because their mental health was impacted due to pregnancy or childbirth. It makes no one a lesser human being because sometimes their mental health suffers the same as their physical health does at different points in their life.

Parenting is so full of joy. But it is also filled full of fear, tears (yours and theirs) poop, sick, screaming, sleeplessness and sometimes sadness. It’s also accompanied to varying degrees by this sneaky bastard called Doubt. Doubt is so quiet you don’t even hear it come in and sit next to you; you think it’s your thoughts you’re but it’s that git next to you whispering.

Doubt needs a punch in the face.

 It has been one of the biggest things to hold me back in speaking to others about how I was truly feeling. It is the thing that tells you that you are a much worse parent then your friends ever realise. It can really make you feel like no other parent is as bad as you no matter what they say.

Doubt lies.

 Doubt will tell you that you shouldn’t be annoyed at having to feed your toddler yogurt as 2am because she hasn’t eaten all friggin day and now wants food. It tells you that you shouldn’t be muttering ‘for fuck sake’ under your breath because your small person has just tipped a bottle of water over themselves and require a change for the third time that day. It tells you that you should be enjoying every moment of being a parent and if you don’t you are a monster.

Getting to help a little person grow and find their way in the world is one of the most privileged positions to be in (in my opinion anyhoo) but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean it is horrendous either. I don’t want to say that everyone’s experience of parenting is normal because that isn’t true; things are much more complicated than that. I would say that muttering ‘for fuck sake’, feeling irritated at your child and celebrating ‘you time’ does not make you a monster. It makes you human.

Now go punch Doubt in the face and eat some cake because you're doing great.