Why?

When I read other people’s blogs I always wonder why they started and what they hope to achieve from writing it. When I read other blogs (and I am slightly addicted) I like that you can see progression, how neat and linear everything is. If anyone should come across mine I apologise now that it is not like that.

If anyone is interested in what prompted me to start this blog then read on, if not please skip.

A few years ago I was never interested in having children, in fact the very thought made me laugh. Me? A mum?! Not a chance! Then not long after meeting my husband this all changed and I turned into a baby freak. I couldn’t wait to have a baby but feared I wouldn’t have one as my cycles were almost non-existent. If I did get my period I would parade round the house ecstatic, even feeling a little excited and getting to use feminine hygiene products (sad right?).

There were some dark days during this time and for some reason one day I started to write about it, not anywhere public just on my laptop for no one but me and my husband to read.

There were more ups and downs when I did get pregnant and Alice’s birth left me with PTSD type symptoms. I really struggled and ended up being referred to a psychologist who encouraged me to keep writing whilst I waited to start therapy with them.

So I did.

I started writing on my laptop again but this time about how I was finding being a new mum. Writing has been incredibly therapeutic for me and has helped me start to heal and enjoy all aspects of being a mum.

So why did I decide to publish any of this crap?

Whilst I was writing and waiting for CBT (which I am still waiting for) I searched the internet for anyone one else experiencing PTSD symptoms from birth and I didn’t find much. Maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough or in the right places but the little I could find was from professionals rather than mums themselves. It got me thinking that maybe people didn’t talk about it much? Or maybe people thought what was happening to them was PND which I was told I had many a time.

I am not planning to or even hoping to change the world, or become viral but if even one person feels less lonely after reading this mind diarrhoea I will be one happy mama. If no ever reads it then being honest that’s fine too because it is helping me to heal and that’s why I started this.

What I publish here is a selection of words from my personal journal past and present. Because of this the blog posts won’t necessarily be uploaded as when they happen. Some posts might have already happened and some might be current. Take this post for example; this probably should have been this first thing I published instead of the sixth.