The second first trimester

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant, half way through but still with miles to go.

I remember the first trimester with Alice pretty well. There was so much uncertainty in the beginning with a molar pregnancy misdiagnosis but other then that it was pretty smooth sailing...not that I thought that at the time!

I know they say every pregnancy is different but JEEZ!! I naively thought that because my body had done this once it might...ease in to it better somehow...? And in the belly growing department it certainly did but for the most part it felt like my body was whining like 'pregnant?! Not this again!'

I wrote a post about growing a bump in my first pregnancy and how every day was filled with impatience and frustration that a bump hadn't popped out and that my pregnancy wasn't obvious for all to see. This time? I was wearing the biggest cardigans I could find to cover up my expanding belly and chest until it is 'safe' to announce it. Every day I was doing the mental equivelant of poking my belly back in. I felt like my stomach muscles went 'psshht you're on your own love' and let go of what little hold they had.

I remember looking at my belly at 12 weeks thinking where the hell did that come from?! Whereas with Alice it was the opposite, I was upset that I wasn't expanding fast enough!

I look back on the days during Alice's pregnancy were I felt 'ill' and laugh. I had a few weeks where I would feel queasy if I didn't eat and there was a brief time I had to eat crackers before getting out bed but that was about it.
This time was horrendous.
There were days I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't go to work because I was so sick. I completly went off food which felt quite cruel because I love food ha! There were frequent emergency trips to the toilet to throw up and it was so unpredictable! I could be fine all day and then that one mouthful of food would finish me off.

I remember one of the worst days where I couldn't even keep crackers down Alice had beans on toast for lunch. As with most toddlers some of this went on the floor..I managed to scoop this up with kitchen roll and put it on the side before having to rush to be sick. When I came back downstairs Alice was sat on the floor with the now empty kitchen roll grinning having eaten the floor beans.

When I was pregnant with Alice I couldn't wait to get into maternity clothes. This time? I still have a strops some mornings because I can't wear normal clothes. I remember looking down at those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test and after the initial excitement thinking 'this is the skinniest I'm going to be for a long while'.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for my pregnancy because I am very lucky  and happy to be pregnant; I think it's just been a bit of a surprise. With all the issues before getting pregnant with Alice, all the wanting and not thinking it was going to happen I felt desperate to embrace every part of pregnancy. This time I expected a similar problem but nope! Pregnant straight away! It actually took quite a while for the shock to subside and the real excitement to kick in. I remember feeling quite guilty the day I did the test and picked Alice up from the childminders but I'm not sure why. It felt a little like I was doing something cruel to her, maybe she would think I didn't love her anymore? I even thought maybe I was a horrible person and should just be happy with one child instead of being greedy and wanting two! In the end I think this was maybe part of the shock because it didn't last long and now I'm so excited (and terrified) of having two children.

Overall my experience of the second first trimester has taught me the following...

Every pregnancy really is different, it's not just bull people say.

Being pregnant with baby 2 makes you excited (and terrified) for a whole host of different reasons.

You can be a glower with one pregnancy and be a grower with the next. Me? This time I am most definitely a grower.