I wrote this about a month ago, I had hoped to upload other things before this however I have just moved, have no internet and all my other stuff apart from this is on my laptop.
I feel I have really turned a corner in terms of 'healing' from the birth. I'll be honest, I have no idea what exactly tipped the balance but I'm sure writing has something to do with it.
Today has felt like a really good day. I am feeling positive. Maybe it’s the beautiful sunshine, maybe it’s because Alice seems to be FINALLY settling down after a difficult few weeks of teeth, illness and God knows what. Maybe it’s hormonal, or maybe things have finally shifted within me. Whatever the reason I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I feel more relaxed and at ease with life and its direction.
Today I don’t feel like I’m walking through treacle, today is different.
Today I feel hopeful for the future.
I don’t feel afraid; I feel....dare I say it? Excited.
I look at Alice and every tiny part of me is filled with joy and wonder. There doesn’t seem to be a speck of mummy doubt in me today. Is this how other mums feel every day?
We went for a walk today just me and the little girl and I found myself thinking about the early days after she was born although it took me a little while to notice I was thinking about this. I thought about being in hospital and the first time I held her when she was moments old. I thought about waking up that first morning in the hospital looking at her beside me instead of feeling her move inside me. I thought about when my mum came to visit and how proud I felt sitting there waiting to introduce my mum to her granddaughter.
I’ve thought about these and many other things lots of times before. The difference today? I smiled and felt happy when I thought about them. I missed them!
For the first time since I had Alice 9 months ago I looked back on the day of her birth without fear, regret, shame or sadness. I felt only fondness and pride.
I am a mum.
And for the first time I feel like I’ve made it.
It’s only one day of sunshine and I know it will rain again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will pour it down, that’s why it felt so important to capture this moment. Next time it rains I can don my wellies and umbrella with my tiny dot of light and know that the sun will shine again.