Cloudy today, sunshine tomorrow

I wrote this about a month ago, I had hoped to upload other things before this however I have just moved, have no internet and all my other stuff apart from this is on my laptop. 

I feel I have really turned a corner in terms of 'healing' from the birth. I'll be honest, I have no idea what exactly tipped the balance but I'm sure writing has something to do with it.

Today has felt like a really good day. I am feeling positive. Maybe it’s the beautiful sunshine, maybe it’s because Alice seems to be FINALLY settling down after a difficult few weeks of teeth, illness and God knows what. Maybe it’s hormonal, or maybe things have finally shifted within me. Whatever the reason I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I feel more relaxed and at ease with life and its direction.

Today I don’t feel like I’m walking through treacle, today is different.

Today I feel hopeful for the future.

I don’t feel afraid; I feel....dare I say it? Excited.

I look at Alice and every tiny part of me is filled with joy and wonder. There doesn’t seem to be a speck of mummy doubt in me today. Is this how other mums feel every day?

We went for a walk today just me and the little girl and I found myself thinking about the early days after she was born although it took me a little while to notice I was thinking about this. I thought about being in hospital and the first time I held her when she was moments old. I thought about waking up that first morning in the hospital looking at her beside me instead of feeling her move inside me.  I thought about when my mum came to visit and how proud I felt sitting there waiting to introduce my mum to her granddaughter.

I’ve thought about these and many other things lots of times before. The difference today? I smiled and felt happy when I thought about them. I missed them!

For the first time since I had Alice 9 months ago I looked back on the day of her birth without fear, regret, shame or sadness. I felt only fondness and pride.

I am a mum.

And for the first time I feel like I’ve made it.

It’s only one day of sunshine and I know it will rain again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will pour it down, that’s why it felt so important to capture this moment. Next time it rains I can don my wellies and umbrella with my tiny dot of light and know that the sun will shine again.

Me and the little lady at the park

Does this dress come in adult sizes too?!

9 months old!!!