This is something I wrote a long time ago not long after I found out I was pregnant.
Doing a pregnancy test seems to evoke the strangest mix of emotions in women including me. There is the excitement and anticipation the night before (because morning pee is better apparently), the anxiety of the possible impending negative result but also that sneaky bastard called hope whispering 'this could be it!!!’ You get it ready and pee on it like your life depends on it. You lay it down flat and faff about whether you should watch it or leave the room for the recommended number of minutes and then look at the result. I have done both and they are equally anxiety provoking. Whatever you decide to do in that moment you are preparing yourself for your world to change either for the better or the worst. You prepare yourself to be happy and shocked if you see that magical second line appear. You prepare yourself to sit and cry into your Ben and Jerry’s should your test show you that perfect whiteness where you wish that second line would be. The strangest thing for me is that when I DID get that positive, waiting for it felt completely different to all the times I waited and it turned out to be negative.
I would often do my pregnancy tests in secret because in 95% of knew deep down they would be negative. I am still not sure if my husband knows just how many sticks I peed on. It almost became an addiction, I NEEDED to see that second line appear to validate myself as a woman and prove that there was nothing wrong with me. Seeing that one lonely line caused me to feel like a failure and even though I could rationalise those thoughts and tell myself they were foolish I continued to feel the same way. If the reason I wasn't having periods was because I was pregnant that was fine (and awesome because for some reason I found myself wanting a baby) but if it wasn't because I was pregnant maybe there was something wrong and maybe I wouldn't be able to have a baby in the future.