Monday, 7 September 2015

The POAS Olympics (That's peeing on a stick for non baby obsessed folk)

This is something I wrote a long time ago not long after I found out I was pregnant. 

Doing a pregnancy test seems to evoke the strangest mix of emotions in women including me. There is the excitement and anticipation the night before (because morning pee is better apparently), the anxiety of the possible impending negative result but also that sneaky bastard called hope whispering 'this could be it!!!’ You get it ready and pee on it like your life depends on it. You lay it down flat and faff about whether you should watch it or leave the room for the recommended number of minutes and then look at the result. I have done both and they are equally anxiety provoking. Whatever you decide to do in that moment you are preparing yourself for your world to change either for the better or the worst. You prepare yourself to be happy and shocked if you see that magical second line appear. You prepare yourself to sit and cry into your Ben and Jerry’s should your test show you that perfect whiteness where you wish that second line would be. The strangest thing for me is that when I DID get that positive, waiting for it felt completely different to all the times I waited and it turned out to be negative. 

I would often do my pregnancy tests in secret because in 95% of knew deep down they would be negative. I am still not sure if my husband knows just how many sticks I peed on. It almost became an addiction, I NEEDED to see that second line appear to validate myself as a woman and prove that there was nothing wrong with me. Seeing that one lonely line caused me to feel like a failure and even though I could rationalise those thoughts and tell myself they were foolish I continued to feel the same way. If the reason I wasn't having periods was because I was pregnant that was fine (and awesome because for some reason I found myself wanting a baby) but if it wasn't because I was pregnant maybe there was something wrong and maybe I wouldn't be able to have a baby in the future. 

This feeling of failure became worse the longer I didn't get my period. Most women who are trying to conceive have the disappointment that their period turns up but then that hope that they can 'try again next month'. I didn't have this. I was in complete limbo and it was such a lonely place. There were times I would have given anything to have a period just so I could feel like a 'real' woman. 

Ironically, when I was actually pregnant I had no idea and didn't believe it when I was told. I had gone to urgent care with the Husband because I was having abdominal pain. The triage nurse did all the usual checks and asked when my last period was. When I told him how long it had been he just looked at me as if it was obvious that I was pregnant. I politely assured him I wasn't, that I had been to the doctors and had a negative test not even a week before. He advised me a pregnancy test was a routine test they carried out and I smugly said to him 'enjoy the pee' whilst leaving the room. After this we went in to see the doctor. 

We hadn't been speaking to the doctor long when the triage nurse interrupted and said 'it's positive for hCG'. It sounds horrible clich√© but this is one of the best moments of my life (yes it’s up there with marrying the love of my life). One of the best things about being human is being able to feel multiple emotions simultaneously. In that moment I felt shock of course but I also felt relief, excitement, confusion and embarrassment to be honest. I felt like I wanted to jump up and high five my uterus saying yes! We did it! I also felt embarrassed and confused because I had done a test and it had been negative, what had happened? I thought God these people must think I’m an idiot and I don’t even know how to pee on a stick. 

On the way home I demanded we stop at Tesco for another pregnancy test and cake (it was 3am but hey who cares). I was in full denial at this point and convinced that the doctor must have done something wrong with the test.

I’ve mentioned before about doing pregnancy tests. This one was completely different. I peed on the stick and prepared for the dreaded three minute wait. People often talk about the ‘two week wait’, there’s even forums dedicated to it. I personally think there should be a forum dedicated to the dreaded three minute wait where life as you know it is paused. I sat on the step outside the toilet and waited with Husband. Previous tests I had felt excitement, apprehension but not this time. I’m not really sure what I felt, I just couldn’t believe that I could be pregnant. I didn’t feel different.

When the three minutes were up Husband looked first, he came out and said I could look if I wanted. He wasn’t jumping for joy so I figured it must be negative. I looked and there were two pink lines. How long I had waited for that second little line to appear and there it was!

I told my husband he was going to be a daddy, he told me I was going to be a mummy. Oh God, I thought. I thought about how I see my mum, to me she is still like God, she knows all. She is who I go to when I am happy, scared, sad, angry, she fixes all. The realisation that now some tiny being was going to look at me that way was terrifying. I couldn’t manage my own shit how on earth was I going to manage this new role?

Congratulations on your new job!

Being a God for your tiny human.



1 comment:

  1. Brilliant post, Rosie. That must have been such a tough time- like you say, if you're having periods you can always try next month, but to be in limbo like that, awful. I love the story of how you found out though :-) I was a tad obsessed and started doing internet cheapies a week before my period was due, then on the third day of testing the faintest line in the world appeared and kept getting stronger each day.