It's been a while since we spoke.
I get the impression you're not listening to loved ones right now so thought I had better step in.
You are doing great.
Alice is a happy, curious, lively little girl. She didn't get that way by accident.
She will be one in 2 weeks time and I know this is on your mind. People tell you not to let the events of a year ago cloud her first birthday which of course means you're focused on it more then ever.
Don't let what happened during labour taint your relationship with Alice. Some women with similar experiences forever feel resentment towards their children and see them as indirectly responsible for their trauma.
You love her fiercely and she knows this.
You often focus on all the things you can't be for her, for husband or for yourself and this leaves you feeling sad and useless.
Focus on all the things you are and can be right now, the rest will come in time.
Time will forever move forward whether you like this or not. Things will change, Alice will grow and you will miss this if you continue to the way you are. One day you will look at her and think why the hell did I give a crap about all the other stuff? Why did I waste my time trying to get other stuff done or worrying about things that aren't as important?
Let Alice remind you of all the little joys in life. She is seeing all of this for the first time, it is all new and fantastic for her, let her teach you to see this too.
And please talk.
There are people waiting for you to let them in so do it.
The Mum in you