Tuesday, 6 October 2015

The £9,000 girl

Everything I write (and think) lately seems to be negative, unhappy, sad or hopeless. I’m finding it really tough at the minute, I do have good days but then when I have bad days or even bad times they are awful.

Husband says that this isn’t me and that it is just how I’m feeling and that it will pass. I want to believe him but sometimes I’m not sure he’s right, sometimes, most of the time in fact I am sure that the this is me. My soul feels like it is being strangled by weeds, anything beautiful is slowly being covered to the point of I’m not sure what’s under there anymore. I have a lot of gardening to do, metaphorically speaking and literally (we’ve not long moved house and there is so much still to do).  

When I am having a good day I try and relish every moment of it because I don’t know how long it will last. I take more photos now of these moments the idea being I can look back on them as evidence that sometimes I do feel good and that the horrible feelings will pass.

The simplest moments are the ones that make me the happiest. Sometimes me and Alice will both have a second breakfast of cheese on toast and watch Disney or Harry Potter. We sit next to each other, she’s in her high chair, and I’m on a crappy conservatory chair because well half our house isn’t unpacked yet. I cut some bits off for her and put them on the tray and watch her eat them one by one and she giggles at Draco (she’s a total Malfoy fan girl it’s embarrassing). There is something so wonderful about watching her eat cheese on toast, I have no idea what it is but I can’t get enough of it. When she’s finished she will lean over and look at my plate to see if there’s any left and just stare at me as I finish eating my toast.

Look how little she is here!!

I love bath time with Alice especially now she’s getting older and seems to find it more fun. There’s a mermaid bath toy I’ve had my eye on since she was born but I’ve always put off buying it as she was too small but I gave in and bought it her for her birthday and she loves it. I love the way that when we pour the water to wash her hair she tries to hold the stream as if it’s ribbon and then get’s more frantic and excited because her fingers keep going through the water instead of grabbing it. We recently bought a clear non-slip bath mat for the bath and it has little blue and pink fishes on the bottom. Alice will spend lots of time trying to grab the fish from the bottom which always makes me laugh; the determination in her face is brilliant.

We live right next to a beautiful park and I try and take Alice as much as I can but I often let silly things like chores or decorating take priority. I especially enjoy the park now it’s a little colder and we both have to wrap up in coats to stay warm. Alice got 5 coats for her birthday, this girl is better dressed then I ever was its crazy! She’s even got wellies, she can’t even walk yet! There’s a beautiful sensory garden in the park and I love taking her round that, she’s not normally too bothered to be honest. Sometimes we will just sit on a bench and stare at the trees and the other people walking by, it is so peaceful. It feels so good to be out in the light just me and Alice; it’s nice to get away from any reminder of all the other crap I have to do.
In the sensory garden

We went for a walk yesterday and it rained towards the end which I loved. I love the sound of rain in the trees or the sound it makes on the conservatory roof. I am excited for the day me and Alice can go jumping in puddles. We walked round the whole of the park looking at all the trees changing colour and dropping their leaves, Alice isn’t that bothered obviously unless there’s something close enough to grab. There’s a playground in the park too and me and Alice sat on a swing together for a while. She even got to have a go on her own in one of the baby swings. As we walked round the park to head home I thought about how lucky I am. I work part time (25 hours a week over 2 long days) and even though it’s tiring once it’s done I get those 5 days with my daughter, sometimes I get her to myself!

I feel very lucky to have been able to go part time. In order to do this I have essentially taken a £9,000 a year pay cut and do you know what? She is totally worth it. All those little moments that are what keep me going through the day, the cheese on toast, the baths and the walks in the park are 100% worth that £9,000.

Smiling for the camera!

It is very easy to stay nestled in negativity. It coils around you as if it’s protecting you but really it is shutting you off from the positive things in your life and the more you struggle the tighter it becomes.  It’s like a tumour that starts of tiny and you may not even notice it but before you know it it’s tripled its size and by then it’s too late it’s already impacting on your health. It casts your reflection like that of a funhouse mirror, everything looks distorted.

I think I need to make more of an effort to be positive, to be happy. Negativity has been my ‘friend’ for a year and I think I am slowly forgetting what it’s like to live without it. One day this experience will be a memory and I will look back at the things I have learned and thank the universe for the opportunity to grow. When life throws us something negative, difficult or horrible we can respond in 3 ways; we can throw it back at someone else so they feel just as bad, we can let it destroy us or we can change it into something positive that helps us grow.

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