Friday, 27 May 2016
Swimming with the wave
The last week has been super tough, I feel like I have nosedived right back into depression. Like I've forgotten how to swim in the middle of the sea.
One of the first things I felt was fear and then shame. What will people think? What if they see me failing? How will they judge me? I worried people might think or question why I got pregnant if I'm not 'completly cured'. Then I realised through support that I have enough on my plate without worrying about what other people might think.
Screw that and screw them.
People will think what they like, now is a time to surround myself with positive people not invite in others negativity.
I've been ruminating over Alice's birth a lot over the last week or so. I already feel completly out of control of this birth that is months away. I am struggling to see how it can be a different experience and therefore I feel like it's going to be awful again and there's nothing I can do...like I'm running towards a brick wall.
Somehow I forgot that I am the woman carrying this baby, not the midwives, not the doctors, me. Over the last 20 months I have learned just how strong and fierce being a mum makes you. Nothing on this earth would get on the way of me and my daughter and I think deep down inside I know that part of me can help me feel prepared to face birth again if I only give it a chance.
I have so much more control and power then I allow myself to feel. I'm terrified it will be taken away forgetting that perhaps I can take it back IF I lose it.
I doubt I will ever truly loose my terror of birth but if I can nurture my courage I can enjoy this pregnancy and maybe even the birth.
I want to be at the start of labour feeling excited and like I'm going to rock this birth thing.
I want to be holding my newborn feeling psyched and proud that I did it. I want to fist pump the air like 'TAKE THAT PTSD/PND!!'
I am so grateful for all the support I have had, it's what makes me keep going when I forget that I can.
I can't explain how momentous this pregnancy and birth is for me, not only because our family is growing but also because of what it symbolises for me. It symbolises me overcoming the hardest thing I have ever experienced and becoming a mum of two; something I never thought I wanted but now can't imagine being anything but.