I vividly remember the book 'Five Minutes Peace' from when I was small and loved the idea of reading it to Alice. Since becoming a mum I enjoy it on a whole new level, I sympathise with Mrs Large and I'm sure there were some muttered expletives edited out of the story.
I love my girls to pieces, I really do, but sometimes they really get on my tits.
It's not because I don't love them, it's not because I'm a horrible person, it's not because they are children or who they are individually; it's because having someone needing and wanting you constantly gets very draining when you're surviving on minimal sleep.
Today is a fantastic example of this. The small one and the tiny dictator are in great moods (well not so much the tiny dictator) and we haven't done anything particularly strenuous but it has felt non stop a.l.l...b.l.o.o.d.y...d.a.y.
The small one and the tiny dictator wake up early, one screaming happily and one demanding food. There's the first nappy changes of the day, feeding at the zoo I mean breakfast for them both before I've even gone for a piss.
We are currently on the wonderful journey that is potty training so many of my private toilet visits are no longer private. I am now accompanied by a small person staring at me while she wonders why they hell she's sitting on something resembling a plastic bowl and being applauded for said behaviour. After one such time this morning the small one decided to break free, nappiless into the bedroom with me chasing her muttering 'do not shit, do not shit'.
There is some hilarious playtime after this which involves playing with a tool set and work bench while dancing to Dolly Parton's '9-5'. The downside to this is the living room being covered in useless, plastic screws and bolts.
Then comes another nappy change and the excitement of possibly catching something in the potty. No such luck. Instead, this little gem is saved for when mummy is sat, boob shackled to the tiny dictator while the stink in the living room develops. Then comes the game of 'catch me I've pooped'.
A quiet period follows while Monsters Inc is on, however the small one feels the need to scream excitedly every time Sully comes on the screen and throw herself on the floor. This disturbs the tiny dictator who is doing her best to fight sleep.
We approach the glorious time, nap time!! The small one is willing, excellent!! The tiny dictator's eyes are dropping, amazing! This is what parents dreams are made of!! The dream is short lived however when I just manage to shove a sandwich in my face before the tiny dictator demands nourishment once more...And remains there for almost an hour.
This is followed by me pleading with the tiny dictator to nap so I can maybe close my eyes for 5 minutes.
The small one is awake.
And now is the time the tiny dictator wishes to rest.
No biggy, only another 8 hoursish until they are both asleep in bed!!
Least Mrs Large had some cake, lucky cow.