Nine months into my new job as mum and I still feel as if the mum part of me and the woman part of me are separate people. There used to be little communication between them which made life a little difficult at times. Now they write letters because, well why not?
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Yours sincerely, the Mum in you
Dear my angry, anxious Self,
I know I am the last person you want to listen to right now but I am also the only person who can honestly say ‘I know how you feel’.
I know how angry, anxious, disappointed and mortified you feel about the things that you’ve just said.
I know how much you want to just run and escape how much you would love to dig a giant hole and hide in it.
I know how hard you find it to look at Alice right now.
I know how forever this feeling is right now and how difficult it is to accept Husband’s support, heck it’s almost impossible! I know how impervious you are trying to be.
I know you don’t believe Husband when he says you’re not always like this. I know every negative thought going through that head of yours and all the negative answers you are armed ready to fire at anything nice anyone says to right now.
You can ignore all that, but you can’t ignore me.
Being a mum is the hardest job and 99% of the time you do it so well, effortlessly even...but that 1% where you lose it you feel is worth damning everything good about yourself.
It really isn’t.
You feel like a good mum and wife again I promise. You must ‘change back’ because if you didn’t I couldn’t be talking to you right now.
Cut yourself some slack!
Take the opportunity to sleep, read a book, go and scream in another room if you need to. If you need to cry then fine, just don’t emotionally hurt yourself for the sake of a few minutes of twatish behaviour.
Watch those Youtube videos to remind you of how good it feels to be a mum. Put on the songs that always make you happy. You won’t want to because you think you deserve to wallow a bit longer but who does that help?
No one! Not even you.
Remind yourself of the days before Alice and how something was missing.
You know how terrible it is to feel empty. Don’t beat yourself up because every now and again you are overflowing.
Last thing I want you to do, go and give your husband and little girl a hug because they love you regardless and as long as you have that nothing else really matters.