Sunday, 28 June 2015

Vacancies: Mother wanted, if interested please apply within

I often wonder (as I'm sure many parents do) if I would get the job if there was an interview for motherhood...then I wondered what the add for that job would look like...cue me writing this instead of washing up.
If you are looking for the job of a lifetime this is the one for you! Because once you’ve signed up there is no signing off. Like, ever.
The hours are long, well never ending in fact. There isn’t much wiggle room for breaks unless your colleagues (AKA family and baby daddy) are able.
You will be expected to work a 24 hour day, 7 days a week. There is no annual leave and no sick pay. In fact when you are ill you will still be expected to drag your cootie filled ass into work.
There’s no uniform although employees are expected to wear some sort of mess at all times. Baby food, formula and spit are the most common but we will accept pee and poop if necessary.
Ideally all employees will be fluent in baby babble and are able to eat, pee, poop and shower in record time in order to preserve their level of productivity with their little one.
Your work station must be cluttered with bright plastic monstrosities at all times and these must all be covered with spit or food.
We provide ample training in nursery rhymes and songs for all occasions, this includes the ‘wing it’ it technique enabling you to continue with the song despite having no fucking clue what the actual words are. Other training we provide is in the ‘ants in your pants’ training. You will learn how to be constantly moving even when you think you are standing still when speaking with other adults. You will learn swaying, bouncing and how to ‘zoom to the moon’. Zombie training is mandatory where we will teach you that you never really knew what tired was before joining our team.
From day one in our employment you will be equipped with awesome bat like hearing.*
*NB: this bat like hearing is only for your child and once activated can never be turned off, even when you’re trying to take a sneaky bath on company time.  

Our company offers lots of perks as payment for the above duties.
You will make someone laugh just because you made a fart noise. In fact you will them laugh so hard they can’t actually breathe.
Your touch will instantly be able to soothe someone no matter how upset they are.
You will be greeted by a thousand smiles every day.
Our training will teach you that you are stronger then you ever thought you could be and that strength is not always a choice but is a necessity.  
You will have the honour of watching someone grow every day into the amazing person they are. We promise that every day will be exciting and different as each little one is an individual. 
          You will be filled with a never ending supply of love that will continue for the rest of your life.
           From your first day with us you will forever be known as ‘mum’.

20 weeks pregnant
Alice is born! Sep 2014

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