Just a vest

Something I’ve been meaning to write about for a long time is a vest.

A baby vest.

An R2-D2 baby vest.

Before I met my husband I was never interested in having children, I would have been voted most likely to become a cat lady but this all changed when I met my husband. After that the feeling of wanting a baby hit me like a train and if I’m being honest I hated it. I wasn’t ready for a baby, I didn’t want to want a baby, something must be wrong with me, how could this happen?!

I realise in the end that there was nothing wrong with me and wanting to start a family but it took a bloody long time to realise this.

There were hard times between the realisation of wanting a baby and having Alice. I felt I couldn’t be truly honest with the majority of people about how much I wanted a baby and how I wanted one NOW! For lots of reasons it ‘wasn’t the right time’ and I was incredibly afraid of being judged by everyone, even friends. To make matters worse my periods disappeared. In one year I had only 3 periods and one of those was a withdrawal bleed from the pill.

During this year I spent lots of time fretting about my body and why it wasn’t doing something that was natural. I wanted a baby so much and did numerous pregnancy tests even though I knew deep down each one would be negative. At one point I think I became obsessed with wanting to see two lines because then at least then I would know my body wasn’t broken.

One day I was internet shopping for baby clothes (as you do when you’re a little baby obsessed) and I found the cutest little R2-D2 vest and I thought ‘one day my baby will wear that’.

And I bought it.

I was no where near being pregnant but I bought it! Did I feel crazy? Yes.

I wanted something to help me focus on what I really wanted in the future which was a baby, to start a family, not two little lines on a pee stick. I needed to remind myself that it is not these two lines that are important, it is everything that comes after.

I kept that little vest in my drawer for around six months before I even found out I was pregnant (which is a whole other story). Whenever I would feel sad about not getting a period, getting another negative test or just pining after a baby I would take out the little vest and hold it and think ‘one day, my baby will wear this’.

When we were in the hospital and we finally got to put our baby, our little girl, our little Alice in that vest it was the best feeling ever. She looked ridiculous as it was far too big but it was amazing to look at that vest and think ‘my baby, my daughter is wearing the vest, finally!’.

That little vest is so precious because it represents my journey from plain old me to mum and all the bumps along the way. It reminds me how much I wanted to be a mum and that even though some days are so friggin’ hard I would not take back a second of it. Being a mum is the best thing that has happened to me.